It is said that man cannot gaze upon heaven until he dies. Well, that's not entirely true, because one way to see paradise is to click on this link.
That's right, baby. I'm talking about the best and most impossible to eat meal known to mankind -- the Red Lobster Fried Seafood platter.
It's well-known that there is no physical way to cram all this food -- accompanied, of course, by the standard seven biscuits and three refills of cherry lemonade -- into your belly in one sitting. But the beauty of the dish ("dish," in this case, meaning "manhole cover") is that the leftovers are every bit as delicious the next day. Such is the power of the Fried Seafood platter that it can withstand the rubberizing annihilation of the microwave and yet still retain its delicious integrity.
It is unknown whether Red Lobster's illustrious Cheddar biscuits taste OK the next day after a microwaving, because no human has managed to leave a Red Lobster table without devouring every last crumb. The biscuits rank among the highest order of chain restaurant breads, trailing only Carraba's and Macaroni Grill in the pantheon of perfection.
The shame, at least for those who live in Tucson, is that Red Lobster is all but impossible to get into, so starved is our landlocked populace for sea food. The best my city has to offer is a slew of subpar-at-best Mexican sea food eateries, which make you fairly certain that "sea food" is Spanish for "cat meat."