Monday, May 05, 2008

Big in Europe

People come up to me all the time and say "Dude, you're so amazing. Why is it that you're not famous?"

My stock answer is "I AM famous, you moron. Just not in America. I do really well in Europe, where the refined, sophisticated audiences better appreciate my talents unlike backwards, ignorant Americans."

I am exactly like local bands and David Hasselhoff. I've never been to Europe not because I'm poor but because if I did go I'd get mobbed and probably killed by paparazzi. I like to live in privacy, away from the gleaming spotlight and all the tabloids that would write false stuff about me in languages that are impossible to understand. Plus if I lived in Europe I'd probably develop a big ego.

And if any of you doubt that I'm famous in Europe, and perhaps think I'm talking like this just to try to impress you with lies, try this on: There's even a city named after me in Spain, which has a pro club soccer team, also named after me. There's probably a statue of me as well, but I haven't checked.

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