Tuesday, April 08, 2008

A brief glossary of evil twins

In “Charles in Charge” sometimes Charles would get knocked on the head and turn into Chaz, an evil alter ego who would cause all sorts of mischievous high jinx. Chaz would slick his hair back, talk smack to everybody, hit on the girls he babysat, try to have sex with old girlfriends and skip class. Chaz, come to think of it, was a lot cooler than Charles. The way to change him back was to either hit him on the head (once – not twice, because that would turn him back into Chaz) or hope he gets into a motorcycle crash.

Mario was the savior of the Mushroom Kingdom who saved Princess Toadstool four times (“Super Mario Bros.,” “Super Mario Bros. 3,” “Super Mario World,” “Super Mario Land”) Then he found out that a bastard named Wario took over his castle, sealed the door with a magic lock that could only be opened if six golden coins were placed along the frame, then scattered the coins throughout the world and released loads of monsters to guard them in “Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins.” Stupidly, Wario did not think to take the six golden coins inside the castle with him. Wario’s origin was unknown, but he kind of resembled Mario, only fatter and with an upside-down M on his hat to cleverly appear as a W. Anyway, Mario did the sensible thing and killed Wario’s ass, then he came back to life and now plays tennis, golf, baseball and go-kart racing with Mario.

Punky had an evil twin, too, although I think this only happened in one episode, and not in the real show but the trippy little cartoon spinoff. That nutty little flying Munchkin from beyond the rainbow, Glomer, took her picture when she was frowning. The picture turned out to be magic, and Mean Punky Brewster leaped out of the frame and started throwing rocks and insulting everyone she saw, including Cherie, who was probably still recovering emotionally after having been locked in the refrigerator. They killed Mean Punky by making her go back into the picture then tearing it up.

Cassius Clay was a nice boxer who did what he was told and lived by society’s rules. Then he changed his name to Muhammad Ali, who was evil for three reasons: A.) Because he stopped believing in Jesus, B.) He had the gall to say black people weren’t treated well in the 1960s, a time of perfect racial equality and idyllic harmony, and C.) He refused to defend our freedom by going to Vietnam and joining coalition forces in dying in a very, very important war that really, really needed to be fought. Luckily our government recognized his evil and threw him in jail.

Urkel was a nerd who invented a machine that made him cool, and he walked into it every sweeps period to become Stephan Ur-kel (accent on the “kel”), which turned him into a smooth pimperator who no longer spoke in a nasally voice, did not annoy Carl and macked hardcore on Laura and her hot friend Maxine. What made Stephan even cooler was the fact that he – get ready for this – DID NOT WEAR GLASSES. Stephan wasn’t completely evil, but he had a way of acting like a pompous ass so that others would eventually conspire to trick him from walking back into the machine and get him changed back to Steve.

No comments: