Monday, April 21, 2008


It doesn’t surprise me that we don’t have flying cars yet. I predict we still won’t have them in 2015, as “Back to the Future Part II” claims, or ever for that matter. Not because the technology won’t be there, but because of common sense. Drivers are too stupid to avoid crashing into one another on the ground, let alone if they were airborne. And cars themselves are way too unreliable. Could you imagine how dangerous flying cars would be? The flying Chevy Cavaliers would always stall at inopportune times, but instead of calling a tow truck, you’ll need to call the people who scoop up your remains and turn you into Soylent Green, because you’ll be dead.

My vision of the future is free of flying cars, and unless maybe this ethanol thing takes off, regular cars as well. Traveling itself will be obsolete, because everyone will sit at home all day pretending like they’re working while playing on the Internet. All vacationing will be done by microchips you download into your brain. The downside of this is that you won’t get to actually experience Hawaiian sea breezes or the firsthand sight of the Eiffel Tower. The upside is that you’ll get to vacation with Luigi or Pac-Man if you so desire.

Another change you’ll notice is that every business with more than two words in the title will go by an acronym. This I’m sure of not only because of “KFC” and “DQ,” but “BR,” which Baskin Robbins is trying to call itself now. This is gonna get out of control, I tells ya. ESPN will be known as EN.

I know what you’re wondering now. Will we ever go to Mars? Well, yes and no. The government will convince everyone we did, but the mission will really be faked and fool the populace as it’s broadcast over hover TV. The video game Grand Theft Auto 75 will lampoon this. Meanwhile the real Martians, who hide from our telescopes by living underneath the surface, will invade and conquer us, only to later be overthrown by the very robotic army humanity has constructed in order to fend them off. The Matrix had it wrong. Humans won’t end up as batteries – Martians will. We’ll just all be dead, save for the few of us who managed to burrow into volcanoes and evolve into volcano beasts that venture out at night and kidnap robotic children.

Next question – will there ever be nuclear war? Again, a good news, bad news situation. The good news is that there will be no nuclear war, and the bad news is the reason for this has nothing to do with mankind’s evolution toward a peaceful state. There will be a World War III alright, and countries will try to nuke each other, but it just won’t happen. It will just turn out that all the long range missiles worldwide are just as ghetto as North Korea’s, and all will plop harmlessly into the Sea of Japan.

My final prediction: Biff really will get his hands on a sports almanac, then travel back in time and give it to his younger self, who will become the richest man alive, then marry Lorraine and make her get a boob job. Hey, the movies can’t be wrong about everything.

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