Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Glass Joe, the greatest there ever was

There’s something to be said for the value of hard work and intense competition. That something: They suck.

Nothing compares to effort-free victories, heartening easy-come successes and ego-boosting domination, and Glass Joe exemplifies all of the above. The Canadian boxer who serves Little Mac’s first opponent in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out is the perfect cream puff, and I believe no one who has ever played the game has ever lost to him. Glass Joe just stands there dumbly, inviting you to pop him in the face with impunity, and will only unleash a weak pansy-slap of his own in your direction if you sit there unguarded for 45 seconds. My little sister took out Glass Joe in Round 1 when she was
4. On several occasions I’ve knocked him out using my toes on the controller. I’ve closed my eyes and punched him out by ear, just listening to the sounds of the game. One time I even turned the TV off at the beginning of the fight, pushed a lot of buttons for three minutes, then turned it on to see that I’d won without even getting hit. I estimate I’ve beaten Glass Joe about 45,000 times since 1987, and each and every victory has made me feel that much better about myself.

In the pre-match statistics, it says Glass Joe’s record is 1 win and 99 losses. The 99, I understand, but the 1 win? How did this guy possibly beat any other video game boxer? Did King Hippo get DQ’d for a low blow? Or perhaps Piston Honda had an off day? My theory is that Soda Popinski passed out in a drunken stupor. Oh well, whatever the case, Glass Joe TKOs my heart each and every time he flops to the canvas.

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