The tyranny of food

I don't understand how people can enjoy cooking any more I do that they can enjoy picking weeds or raking leaves. It's a tedious, expensive process that trips you up from more important things like playing video games or sleeping. And it rules your life if you let it. Some spend all their free time either cooking, eating or cleaning up, and thus miss out on all of life's great pleasures, such as "American Gladiator" reruns. And I feel great sorrow for them.

People have tried to teach me to cook before, but it doesn't stick because I jhave no interest. It's too much work for too little reward. If someone makes me food, fine, otherwise I'll just defrost stuff. In the world of frozen meals, the man who cares not about cooking is king. As a result of my diet I may be 70 percent water and 40 percent preservatives, but that's OK. Maybe they'll preserve my youthful glow into middle age. Tombstone pizza and hot pockets are the stuff processed dreams are made of.

People like me place no value on the experience of eating and see it as an annoyance to deal with as quickly and cheaply as possible before moving on. We place no more value on the intake of food than its expulsion.

I've been asked why I don't cook at least rudimentary things just to help save money, such as the cliched Ramen noodles. The reason is Ramen takes too much effort, what with the stirring and the standing over the stove to ensure you're not over-or-undercooking the noodles. I once cooked Ramen regularly, when I was green in judgment and cold in blood, but have since moved on to 98 cent Michelena pizzas from Wal-Mart.

The grilled ham and cheese is another example of what I used to subsist on but discontinued due to the effort of having to butter the bread, open the individual cheese slices, get out the ham, start up the stove, measure out the grilling time so as not to burn one of the sides and ruin your meal. Way too tough.

You don't eat Hot Pockets (actually, Hot pockets are more classy and expensive than I usually like to go) or frozen chicken patties for the taste, that's for damn sure. You eat them to lift a middle finger at the tyranny of food.