Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The solution to all our oil problems

With gas prices so high, it's time we stopped our dependence on foreign oil and shifted the focus toward homeland reservoirs and even renewable resources. My plan wouldn't even involve wrecking the environment drilling in ANWR or offshore, nor would we need to turn to the risky proposition of nuclear power, dangerous coal mining or the expensive futility of wind and solar energy.

What people are forgetting about is we've got all the oil we need inside our borders, and the supply will never run out. The answer to all our problems rests inside the ever-popping pimple that adorn our nation's teenagers. Zits are it baby, and it's high time we realized this.

Have you seen some of these kids? There's enough white gold in one fast food worker's face to run our motors and grease our appliances for the next 40 years.

I hereby call for a ban on all Clearasil, Stridex, and especially Accutane, along with subsidized distribution of candy bars, Doritos and pizza in school hallways. Instead of sending drilling crews to each individual kid, we shall set up extraction centers much like plasma donation facilities and comensate the donors for the goods for nominal fees.

Admittedly I came to this inspiration by watching the film "There Will Be Blood." Now I'm determined to become the Daniel Day-Lewis of teen facial oil extraction, and will stop at nothing to make myself rich and alienate myself from society while becoming an oil baron. The term "I drink your milkshake" could get a whole new meaning.

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