Sunday, November 23, 2008

Hamburger helper

Hamburger is grateful for the support of its helper, Hamburger Helper, but one must wonder what helps Hamburger Helper? Does it subsist on an inner strength and doggeddrive? Is it a performance enhancing drug, which it passes off in interviews as being nothing more than a dietary supplement?

Is it uppers? Remember that episode of "Family Ties" where Alex got hopped up on speed because he had to keep pulling all-nighters to keep his grades up?

Maybe it's the adulation from fans that keeps Hamburger Helper going. Or maybe it's a blind lust for fame. Ever since Helper was featured prominently in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" it's been focused on returning to the limelight.

Does it matter that hamburger isn't grateful for the support? Is it Hamburger Helper's secret yearning to one day become so helpful that cooks will no longer see it fit to cook beef as steaks, burger patties or meatballs? Yes, yes, I think that's it. Poor Hamburger Helper and its unrequited love and impossible fantasies. It needs mental help.

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