Monday, November 17, 2008

Thanks Comcast

For not carrying ESPNU, thus not letting me watch Arizona start its basketball season tonight against Florida Atlantic. Which gives me time to tell my computer what an evil organization you are.

Forget your monopolistic business practices, outrageous subscription fees and shoddy customer service. Your true evil, Comcast, lies in the way you sacrifice blind baby goats at secret seances, kick disabled grandmothers in the streets when they fall down and buy tickets to see "Harry Potter" movies.

You are heinous and despicable, Comcast. You burn the American flag and cast rose wreaths on the grave of Lenin and Pol Pot. You send Hugo Chavez Christmas cards and attend Louis Farrakhan rallies.

Comcast, you sneak stink bombs into theaters and, when you happen upon take-a-penny, leave-a-penny jars at convenience stores, you only take pennies.

You stiff friendly waiters, Comcast, and leave toilet seats up. You answer your cell phone at plays and come to work and sneeze all over everyone when you catch a cold.

When out with friends at Olive Garden, Comcast, you take the last bread stick. You double-park in disabled spaces and call in fraudulently to 9-1-1. Comast, you're so evil you pass out toothbrushes during Halloween.

Comcast, I despise you with my entire being and you get me so enraged I can hardly contain myself. You are vile and despicable. You snap bra straps, sodomize elephants, return used underwear to Wal-Mart and... shop at Wal-Mart.

And you vote Republican.

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