Sunday, October 05, 2008

Bear market

There are certain things you realize when you become a parent, and one of them is how perverted all the kid-aimed bear mascots are. Here is my evaluation of all the bears out there that are a little too child friendly.

Paddington Bear - British and proper. Has a thing for marmalade, which could signify some sort of buried food-involved kinks I don't want to even think about. The creepiest thing about him is his outfit - a trenchcoat with no pants. Prototypical flasher.

Snuggles - Just think about it - the guy hides out in bedsheets. He's a little, no, a lot, too obsessed with hugging. Arms to yourself, creepo.

Teddy Ruxpin - There's a reason he's no longer sold in stores. Ruxpin was no doubt convicted and tossed in jail. Think about it - he was designed to sit in kids' laps, pretending to read books to them while robotically opening and closing his mouth up and down in barely concealed lust.

Winnie the Pooh - Wears a half shirt and no pants. Yikes. And he's always sticking his hand into "honey pots." Getting it stuck, asking his little friend Piglet to help him out. You don't need to be Robert Langdon to decipher the symbolism here. Ugh. Poor, poor Christopher Robin.

Yogi Bear - One word (or maybe two). Boo Boo. That's one codependent relationship that's even more eyebrow raising than the Batman-Robin dynamic.

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