Sunday, November 30, 2008

Why I want the robots to enslave us

Sci-fi writers are terrified that robots will take over the world one day, but I think it will turn out OK. Machinery has excelled at every other aspect of life they've taken over: Dishwashing, transportation and can opening being just a few examples. The robots' one colossal failure is the breakdown-prone Xbox 360, and even that's fun for a while before it malfunctions every third month.

Things will be pretty coolonce they take over the government. They'll provide universal health care via medicinal tubes, provide great security with Robocops and, best of all, brush your teeth for you with electric toothbrushes, which the dental assistants who chastise me about my dental hygeine biannually insist are better than regular toothbrushes.

So what if they take away all our personal freedoms, use us as batteries and send Terminators via time machines to destroy the mothers of would-be resistance leaders. Give a little, get a little is the way I see it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Which dollar has more value?

Why is it that people are said to pay top dollar for expensive things but when confronted with a huge wager bet their bottom dollar?

There is no acceptable answer to this quandary so I think it's time we all came to a compromise - the middle dollar. It's graced with half the topness of the top dollar as well as a like amount of the bottomness of the bottom dollar. It's versatile enough to be used in all reasonable circumstances and is the most cliche-worthy phrase since "The vampires are playing baseball."

So that's established. Middle dollar, people. Go out and start saying it. Middle dollar.*

*This does not apply to people who have only two dollars.

Monday, November 24, 2008


I'm intrigued by the words "webisode" and "webinar," which have me thinking what other great hybrid words we could come up with if we attach the web- prefix and disregard coherent word structure and a sensible pun scheme. Here are a few I came up with, along with their meanings"

Webward - A nickname for someone named Edward who is interested in the Internet.

Websuit - A skin-tight suit you wear by surfing on the Internet.

Webbing - An online marriage ceremony, only allowed between heterosexuals in Florida, Arizona and California due to recent voter referendums.

Webster - A cute little 1980s sitcom star who would say the darndest things.

Webpon - A e-mail print-out of a picture of a gun.

And why stop there? I think "web-" should be added to all words, and in fact should be used at least once per sentence, as the Smurfs would the word "smurf." Let's do this, folks.

I mean, let's web this, webs.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Hamburger helper

Hamburger is grateful for the support of its helper, Hamburger Helper, but one must wonder what helps Hamburger Helper? Does it subsist on an inner strength and doggeddrive? Is it a performance enhancing drug, which it passes off in interviews as being nothing more than a dietary supplement?

Is it uppers? Remember that episode of "Family Ties" where Alex got hopped up on speed because he had to keep pulling all-nighters to keep his grades up?

Maybe it's the adulation from fans that keeps Hamburger Helper going. Or maybe it's a blind lust for fame. Ever since Helper was featured prominently in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" it's been focused on returning to the limelight.

Does it matter that hamburger isn't grateful for the support? Is it Hamburger Helper's secret yearning to one day become so helpful that cooks will no longer see it fit to cook beef as steaks, burger patties or meatballs? Yes, yes, I think that's it. Poor Hamburger Helper and its unrequited love and impossible fantasies. It needs mental help.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Ah yes, Tecmo Bowl returns

One of the best things about living long enough to see the year 2008 is that I get to experience mankind's greatest technological advance: "Tecmo Bowl Kickoff" for the Nintendo DS.

Little-known fact: Going back to the ancient Romans, the true measure of manhood has always been Tecmo Bowl ability. And thus I will prove to be the greatest man - nay, human being - of all time by dominating everyone else online until I die. Or until "Tecmo Bowl Kickoff 2" comes out.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not-so-fun fact

Pope Benedict XVI served in the German military during World War II and was captured as a POW.

Throughout his career he's railed against the horrors of Nazism. He submitted to Nazi-ordered conscription with restraint and even deserted the military at the risk of his life. But still, that's pretty messed up, no? That he once put on the uniform and set to work helping Hitler's cause.

I can't help but think that when I play "Call of Duty" and I run around slaughtering random German soldiers, that the Pope was once one of those dudes!

Granted, this was the talk of the Internet three years ago and only now have I discovered the fact. Tomorrow I'll be sure to report some breaking news about Bill Clinton's extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Thanks Comcast

For not carrying ESPNU, thus not letting me watch Arizona start its basketball season tonight against Florida Atlantic. Which gives me time to tell my computer what an evil organization you are.

Forget your monopolistic business practices, outrageous subscription fees and shoddy customer service. Your true evil, Comcast, lies in the way you sacrifice blind baby goats at secret seances, kick disabled grandmothers in the streets when they fall down and buy tickets to see "Harry Potter" movies.

You are heinous and despicable, Comcast. You burn the American flag and cast rose wreaths on the grave of Lenin and Pol Pot. You send Hugo Chavez Christmas cards and attend Louis Farrakhan rallies.

Comcast, you sneak stink bombs into theaters and, when you happen upon take-a-penny, leave-a-penny jars at convenience stores, you only take pennies.

You stiff friendly waiters, Comcast, and leave toilet seats up. You answer your cell phone at plays and come to work and sneeze all over everyone when you catch a cold.

When out with friends at Olive Garden, Comcast, you take the last bread stick. You double-park in disabled spaces and call in fraudulently to 9-1-1. Comast, you're so evil you pass out toothbrushes during Halloween.

Comcast, I despise you with my entire being and you get me so enraged I can hardly contain myself. You are vile and despicable. You snap bra straps, sodomize elephants, return used underwear to Wal-Mart and... shop at Wal-Mart.

And you vote Republican.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Looking for a slice of truth

Last week I realized that it had been years since I last saw the Noid.
I'm not going to lie to you. I was afraid of the Noid when I was young, just as I was afraid of Mr. T. But I still respected the both of them. The Noid, for his resilience and Mr. T, because he said, "I pity the fool."

So I went on a crusade to find out what exactly happened to the red-suited, buck-toothed pizza saboteur from ads of old.

Technically, it wasn't exactly a crusade. A true "crusade" would involve killing thousands of people in the name of a deity, like those crazy people did in medieval days.

Mine was a non-violent quest for the truth. I don't watch the X-Files, but I am alert enough to know that the show's motto is "The truth is out there," and I agree.

Somewhere, someone had to know what happened to that poor little guy. It wouldn't be easy, but I was bent on finding that person and seizing the information.

I recalled that the Noid was always messing with pizza. He was definitely a threat to all pizza companies, especially those which delivered. It would have been in a pizza company's best interests to take this character out.

I also remembered that he messed with one company's goods in particular - Domino's. Someone might have used foul play to take out the Noid, and I had a chief suspect. It was time to put the heat on Domino's.

I started by calling the branch on Euclid.

"What happened to the Noid?" I asked.

"What? Do you want to order a pizza?" the employee replied, trying to throw me a curve ball.

"I'd like to order a large, as a matter of fact," I said, before pausing. "A large answer, that is. With an extra slice of detail."

Then he hung up on me.

Undaunted, I called the Domino's on Silverbell. This time, I told them I was a reporter from the Wildcat, and I needed a straight answer.

"Are you telling me that college reporters have nothing better to do than ask about a character named Nuke? I mean Noogie?" said the employee, who identified himself as John Tate.

This guy called the Noid "Noogie." Obviously, he wouldn't be able to help me, either.

By the end of the day, I had called no fewer than seven Tucson-area Domino's and had nothing to show for it.

Then I finally broke the story. I talked to a woman at Domino's headquarters who identified herself only as Judy. She told me the sad news: Domino's still owns the copyright on the character, but advertising execs rubbed the Noid out four years ago in favor of Donnie and Dottie Domino, two pizza-box shaped goofballs.

She said that the bigwigs decided that the Noid was "too distracting." As a footnote, she told me that the company still owned a costume of the Noid to dress people up for special appearances, but no one had asked for the character in years.

Indeed, the Noid was dead. He had been avoided one too many times.

The truth is out there, all right, but sometimes it hurts.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The power of negative thinking

When you convince yourself the worst is going to happen - I mean the very, VERY worst, usually it doesn't and you're pleasantly surprised with the only 95 percent-awful result. And even when the very VERY worst does come to pass, at least you get the satisfaction of predicting it was coming.

The lesson here is to always expect the worst. Be quick to anger and premature regret. You can only be pleasantly surprised or validated in your miserable, pessimistic existence.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mickey Mouse vs. Robocop

If the two were to fight, Mickey Mouse would probably win. The reason being Mickey has a better left hook and Robocop not only has a glass jaw, but is susceptible to taking a dive due to his colossal gambling debt to bookies.

If Robocop were allowed to use his guns, Robocop would still lose due to disqualification because in his exuberance he'd accidentally shoot the ref in the face, which is frowned upon.

So either way, Mickey wins. He's one bad mother shut yo mouth but I'm talkin bout Shaft and I can dig it.

Pop quiz

What is the phrase "If you monna kime blowan jus goaneknowd"?

A. A line from the song "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors.

B. Words you say to bring a mummy back to life.

The correct answer is B, and is probably only funny when you're driving back from Monday Night Football at 1:30 a.m. and saying it to other jackasses. But if you are, it's damn funny.

By the way, I don't know what the right answer is.

Sunday, November 09, 2008


Why can't I like music? Why must I appreciate so few songs out of the millions that exist that I proceed to listen to them over and over again until hate them even more than the ones I hate?

Maybe the trick is to hate the songs I like from the beginning, so I can be pleasantly surprised when I hear them on the radio amid a stream of songs I actually hate. But how do I convince myself to hate something I like?

If only all music was by Coldplay and U2. That way I wouldn't need to pretend that I hated everything because I actually would.*

*Except for the song "Viva La Vida," which I like but hate myself for liking and wish I hated.

Friday, November 07, 2008

The true meaning of the word please

Is "Otherwise I will kill you and sue the corpse for its kidneys to sell on the black market if you don't do what I'm commanding of you."

The true meaning of "thank you" is "I can't believe that take so long, you indignant bastard."

The true meaning of "you're welcome" is "Never ask me for anything again. I will resent you the rest of my life for inconveniencing me."

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Here are the keys, Don't crash this thing

OK, Obama. The country is yours. Do us proud and give us middle-class tax cuts and universal health care like you said. End this ignorant war, stick it to greedy corporations, get us off of foreign oil and fill the coming Supreme Court vacancies with some reasonable people. Balance the budget, cut off Haliburton and save social security.

Do it so well that in 2012 no one in their right mind even considers ousting you with Palin, Romney or Giuliani. And don't listen to that shifty Joe Biden character. And try not to smirk when you run into a Clinton.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Suppress the vote

No need to vote tomorrow because your voice doesn't count. It takes too much time and you don't get anything for your troubles. All the polls are skewed and the voting machines are rigged, but even if they weren't it wouldn't matter because all elections are really decided by Freemasons.

And no matter who wins, the controlling party won't do anything of substance to help you, and you'll continue to while away your life on your own little hamster wheel, never getting ahead. Those who vote for the winner will be let down and disillusioned by their candidate, and those who backed the loser will only stew in their hate-filled bitterness, doing everything they can to make everyone around them as uncomfortable as they are.

There's especially no reason to vote if you happen to be old, because any significant changes enacted by the president won't have any marked effect on the country until you've got one foot in the grave. And if you're young than there's REALLY no need to waste your time voting because you're probably uneducated about what's going on and would only skew the democratic voices by spewing your uninformed drivel onto the ballot.

Anyone planning on voting for John McCain can stop now. Those who plan on voting for Barack Obama, read on.

OK, good. Now that we've gotten rid of those losers, get out there and vote for Obama. Arizona's a tossup state, baby, and we can do this.