Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Private, Confidential Note To Golf, NASCAR, The NHL And NBA

Do not read this unless you happen to be one of the parties to which I'm addressing this directive. If you stumbled upon this post by accident, move along because there's nothing for you to see here.

OK, boring sports that last too long and have 5-minute offseasons. I've gathered you hear for a reason. While all of you have more than your share of redeeming qualities -- well, except for you, NASCAR. Oh, and you, too, golf -- you fail at life because your seasons never stop. If you don't give fans a chance to miss you, lament how tough it is to deal with life without you and wonder what it will be like when you come back, people will start to hate you at best and become apathetic to you at worst.

Your championships mean nothing unless you give the winners and their fans -- and especially all the losers they violated -- a chance to meditate on the implications of their dominance.

Take a look at the NFL. Did you see how the media went crazy today when the league did something so pathetically insignificant (although on measure incomprehensibly awesome) as release its schedule? Realize, for a moment, that there is virtually no mystery to NFL schedules because every game and its location is predetermined by a set formula. All the NFL had to do to make the sports world swoon was announce that "Yes, you know those 17 weeks of games we have every year? We're doing that again and we've even put them in order!"

The reason for the reaction is the NFL treats us like lovers who give us the best night of our lives, only to throw us out on the streets and not talk to us again for half a year. Meanwhile, you guys are like yapping puppies, so eager to please and hard up for attention you won't stop trying to hump our legs for five seconds.

So please, NHL, NBA, PGA and NASCAR, just stop for a few months after your current seasons end, just to see how things go. And NASCAR, go ahead and just stop.

1 comment:

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