I have solved the mystery of why it is whales choose to beach themselves. They catch killer, once-in-a-lifetime waves that I sometimes find on my boogie board, and they just ride those suckers on home. When they approach the shore they think "Man, I should totally just stop and bail right now, but I wanna see how far this tubular ride takes me."
By the time their wiser nature takes over and they stop living in the moment, it's too late and people are futilely tossing buckets of water on them while they wait for the equipment to shove them back into the blue.
So yeah, it's either that or suicide.