Self-evident truths

Crunchy cheetos are superior to puffy cheetos.

Spider-Man only gets to live because Superman is too nice to kill him.

Of the three Chipettes, Brittany was by far the hottest.

Every time you get the instinct to go to Subway, an absolute dipshit who either can’t decide if he wants tomatoes or is ordering sandwiches for seven other people gets the same instinct at the exact same moment as you, only he’s 17 seconds closer to Subway than you and will get right in front of you in line.

Men who drive H2s have small penises.

John Mellencamp has completely lost it.

You don’t know as much as you think you do about what happened on 9/11.

Gasoline now costs more per gallon than blood.

People who like NASCAR were beaten as children. Furthermore, they fully deserved the beatings.

The bands Pearl Jam and U2 have yet to make one good song.

Refs gave the Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl XL.

Coke and vanilla ice cream are both tasteless and disgusting by themselves, but Vanilla Coke is freakin’ incredible.

The best time of the year is October, when McDonald’s Monopoly is going on.

I am better than everyone else at Tetris DS. Whenever I lose online it’s because of bad luck.

Spyware is made by spyware protection companies to boost sales.

Matt Leinart’s smile in his Arizona Cardinals jersey NFL draft photo was fake.

Scientology is the coolest name for a religion ever.

People who sell Amway share the same weird, glazed-over look in their eyes.

The human brain gets dumber and less creative each year after the age of 25.

Always bet on black.

Guns don’t kill people. Blood loss from bullet wounds kills people.

You can drink your own urine and not get sick. The same cannot be said of watching Pauly Shore movies.

Teens who promise they’ll remain virgins until marriage are either incapable of getting laid or are lying to their parents so they’ll continue to pay for their cell phone and car insurance.

All country/western love songs sung by men are actually written with cows, not women, in mind.

Cabbage Patch kids come to life at night and try to kill you while they sleep. They’re usually unsuccessful because your toaster is able to fend them off.

Every time you’ve eaten a Cadbury egg, you’ve feasted on the unborn corpse of a zygote that would have grown up to be a cute chocolate bunny.

Even after Sylvester Stallone finally dies, he’ll still figure out a way to make more Rocky movies.

Jay Leno, George Lopez, Rita Rudner and Sinbad have something in common: None has ever told a single funny joke in his or her entire life.

Nine-three percent of all men diagnoses with “tennis elbow” also subscribe to Playboy.

The only thing eviler than gas companies are insurance companies. And the only thing more evil than insurance companies is Ryan Seacrest.

The person who decided iTunes can only play on iPods and not other MP3 players is extremely lucky I’m not the one who decides who gets sent to hell.

On a women’s soccer team, the ugliest player is always the goalie.

You may think your boss is dumber than you, but what you don’t realize is he thinks you’re dumber than him. He’s more correct because he’s put himself in a position in which he can order you around, plus he makes way more money. But you still win because he hates his life more than you do yours.

The NFL has a bigger problem with steroids than Major League Baseball, made all the worse because of supposed testing policies that supposedly keep steroids out of the game.

Computers get slower and slower the longer you have them. They’re designed that way in order to frustrate you into buying a new one every three years.

If a movie cast includes Matthew Broderick, it has five times a greater chance of sucking.

If Madonna is in the film, it’s got 10 times a greater chance of sucking.

When you’re sitting in the holding cell at a doctor’s office (the room the nurse puts you in after you’ve rotted in the waiting room for an hour), the doctor won’t come to see you until you’ve gotten so bored that you’re digging through the cabinets.

The only time you’ll hit all green lights on the way home is when you’re hoping for a red light to give you time to shovel chili cheese fries down your throat.

For every story your friend has about winning money gambling, there are seven stories about him losing money that he isn’t telling.