Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Marios (a lost screenplay)

Several years ago, HBO executives struggled over two differing Italian mob dramas: the now legendary Sopranos and the lost and forgotten Marios. Through my connections I managed to find a copy of the screenplay for the pilot episode that was rejected and never produced. All we can do now is read it and speculate on what might have been.

Ext. MANSION. Fade into the image of a fat mob head, MARIO, as he reclines near his lava pool, quietly contemplating his pet KOOPA TROOPAS, which are swimming around. His bitchy, unappreciated wife PRINCESS DAISY approaches.

MARIO
This-a mafia life. I don-‘ta know if I can handle much-a more of this.

DAISY
Ah, quit complaining and do some housework. Why don’t you powerslide into the bedroom and pick up those damn blue overalls you’re always leaving everywhere?

MARIO
I no do-a no housework. That’s-a why we hired Toad as a butler, no?

DAISY
(wiping fungus residue off her mouth, because her husband’s mention of toad reminded her that she just finished going down on him)
Right, a butler. Sure, that’s why we hired him, allright. I’m sure he’ll take care of it.

MARIO
He’d-a better, after all the damn gold coins he-a charges.

DAISY
Shaddup. It’s not like you actually earn that money anyways. All you and your brother Luigi do to earn money is jump into the air and punch the golden flashing question blocks over and over.

MARIO
Don’t-a mention that man’s name. He’s-a dead to me. Besides, woman, I don’t-a wanna hear you complaining about-a how I live my financial life. It’s-a the family business. It’s-a what puts magic mushrooms on-a your plate, princess gowns in-a the closet and fire flowers in-a the garden. I didn’t-a hear you complaining when I took-a you on vacation last month.

DAISY
World 4. Big whoop. What’s so special about Giant Level, anyway? All you wanted to do was hop around in the giant boot to travel around. So uncomfortable. Couldn’t you have at least sprung for a cab?

MARIO
I don’t-a have to listen to this. I’m-a outta here.
Mario grabs a nearby bouncing star, begins flashing and runs at an incredible speed away from his mansion.

INT. BINGBINBING, the strip joint Mario runs with his brother, LUIGI.

MARIO
Hey-a, mia paisano, Luigi, how are you?

LUIGI
(nervously sitting beside a stage in which intergalactic Metroid battler SAMUS strips off her armor to a gawking crowd)
Hello-a, brother. Why-a is it you asked me here? I thought-a you were mad at me after you found out I lost your life savings to a loan shark?

MARIO
Don’t-a be ridiculous. Take a seat.

LUIGI
Ah, no thanks. I think I’ll just squat and pull my hat down.

MARIO
Suit-a yourself. Hey, what’s that over there?

Mario begins angrily jumping on his distracted brother’s head over and over, ranting as he kills him.

MARIO
You-a bastard! You never-a go against-a the family! If you need-a money, you come to me. I was gonna use-a those coins to buy you a one-up! Now-a don’t you wish you had it?

LUIGI
Argh! Ugh! Yip! What I wouldn’t give for a P-Wing right about now.

Luigi DIES to the accompaniment of Super Mario Bros. death music and a GAME OVER subtitle.

Ext. MANSION. Mario once again looks over the peaceful KOOPA TROOPAS in his lava lake.

MARIO
Ah, these-a Koopa Troopas. So-a peaceful, so- calm, and so-a not in the mafia.

DAISY
I saw on the news that you killed Luigi. I’m sick of this, you worthless prick! All you do is take out your frustration of your own failed life out on others through violence. If it’s not Luigi at the strip club, it’s Little Goombas in the fields you’re stomping. If it’s not them, you’re over at Castle 8-4 throwing fireballs at Bowser.

MARIO
He-a throws hammers at me. Three-a at a time! What-a you want me to do, take-a him out for dinner?

DAISY
Ha! As if your lazy ass is even capable of that. When was the last time we went to a nice restaurant?

MARIO
I-a dunno, you cold-a bitch. When was-a the last time we-a had sex? Oh, right-a. Never. Even-a though we’re-a married now, you-a never give it up. No-a wonder I’m-a so frustrated, as you say. I save-a you from kidnapping 31 times, and all I get is a kiss on the cheek.

DAISY
I’m not your whore, Mario. You’ll have to wait until I’m ready. Maybe you should see an attractive psychiatrist you can secretly pine for as you spill your innermost problems.

MARIO
I don’t-a need a psychiatrist. How cliché-a would that be? What-a I need is a wife who shows affection. What-a the hell? I met you 20 years ago! Me, I’m a plumber, and I-a need my pipes-a cleaned! I’m-a sick of having to warp off all the time!

Daisy leaves Mario with his brooding thoughts. He stares at the Koopa Troopas in the lava and continues to ruminate on his existence. FADE OUT.

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