Wednesday, February 03, 2010

20 Reasons Clowns Are Scary

1. The red around the mouth is a little too red. Like not Maybeline red but I've Been Devouring Uncooked Human Flesh For The Past Week red.

2. The Stephen King movie "It."

3. They use the devil's magic to twist perfectly normal balloons into grotesque, creepy animal shapes.

4. Their shoes are so big they could be hiding anything inside.

5. The white face makeup is reminiscent of an inverse of what Al Jolson did in "The Jazz Singer."

6. They are always smiling.

7. Except for the ones with frowns etched on their faces, which are the ones you really need to watch out for.

8. Ronald McDonald propagates unhealthy food choices for children.

9. You never know exactly how many of them are left inside their cars, even after 15 come out.

10. Because despite the circus having gigantic elephants bitter about being mistreated and ferried across the country to perform against their will, bearded ladies, lobster boys and that psycho who drives his motorcycle inside of translucent spheres, clowns are still viscerally more intimidating than all of the above.

11. If their noses honk, you don't even wanna know what other body parts do.

12. They talk in crazy weird voices that sound equally drunk and depressed.

13. Except for the ones who don't talk, mimes, the ones you really, REALLY need to watch out for.

14. Some walk on long stilts that make them resemble Wheelers from Return to Oz.

15. They wear wigs, which themselves are not as scary as what you imagine their hair looks like underneath.

16. The movie Killer Clowns from Outer Space.

17. The Insane Clown Posse.

18. Insane Clown Posse Fans.

19. Because one broke into my house and killed me before I was able to get to No. 20.



Ashley O said...

Thanks. I am not going to get any sleep tonight because of you. Good thing I got a nap in today after work. I remember Killer Clowns From Outer Space and it still shares the shit out of me after all these years. I don't even eat cotton candy because I don't know if it was from a cocoon with a dead human in it. Better safe than dead I always say.

Pennywise is just Tim Curry so he's scary to me but then I just have to laugh because, hey, it's Tim Curry.

You are SOOOOO fired for mentioning not only Return to Oz but Wheelers. I have nightmares about those things and you think I'm kidding. Well, I'm NOT!

What about The Insane Assclown Posse?

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