Monday, February 15, 2010

My Long-Awaited One-Sentence Reviews Of Classic Books I Read In High School

People worldwide turn to me for my opinion on a number of matters, not the least of which is classic literature. So here they are.

Moby-Dick - As fun and exciting to read as a phone book in a different language.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - I can understand wanting to read about someone getting raped as a child because you're forced to by a teacher, but is there any other good reason?

The Grapes of Wrath - Silly fun on the prairies, with an M. Night Shyamalan twist ending involving breast milk.

Crime and Punishment - Before Facebook, stalkers had to go to great lengths to follow people until they went insane, and this book is the textbook of how to do that.

Tender is the Night - Rich people had too much time on their hands and didn't know how to get it on without messing things up in an overly elaborate and verbose fashion.

The Plague - It would really, really suck to get an un-curable fever -- like, a few hundred pages' worth of sucking.

1984 - Not sure, got a few pages in and then rented the movie.

Catch 22 - It would be fun to visit Rome, so long as you didn't do it during World War II.

The Lord of the Rings - Probably more enjoyable if you were on pot in the 1960s at the time and imagining the sociological ramifications of the One Ring as a metaphor for nuclear arms.

Luckily I didn't have to read any books in college, because I was a business major, and the same is true for my adult life, which lacks teachers and grades. So these are my complete works of literary review. Cherish them.

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