Monday, February 08, 2010

Chewlimia: The New Eating Disorder I've Invented

Generally it's frowned upon to invent a eating disorder. For instance, there's a reason you don't know the names of the guys or gals who first dreamed up bulimia and anorexia -- because they most likely not only failed to take credit for their abominable creations, they perhaps suffered from them on their own and decided to hide their afflictions away from the world.

Not so with Chewlimia, a hybrid eating disorder I came up with today. Someday the history books -- or history hovercraft/laser e-scrolls, or whatever people read or download into their brains in the future -- will cite this blog post alongside Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity after being bonked with an apple.

While recklessly stuffing my face with wings, cupcakes, cookies, chips, bean dip, pulled pork, rolls, and whatever else my unthinking hands could grasp, I caught a bad bite of something or other and spat it into the trash can.

Then it occurred to me: Why swallow at all, unless you're hungry? Despite what the Arizona State University cheerleaders would have you believe, there's no pleasure at all to come from swallowing. All the joy mankind gets from eating comes from the act of chewing. By combining the self-control of an anorexic with the lust for indulgence of a bulimic, you can become a chewlimic and enjoy the best of all worlds.

Granted, there's no need to become such a chewlimic that you under-nourish yourself and whither away. Just keep chewlimia in your back pocket for when you're at a party and are already stuffed, yet can't resist the siren call of hot wings and ranch.

I foresee chewlimia catching on and Super Bowl party hosts adopting the social norm of handing guests personal spitoons in order to save them from the indignity of rushing off to the bathroom, as well as filling garbage cans with unsightly, gooey masticated glop.

Together we can make this happen, folks. The more you know!


男人女人 said...
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Ashley O said...

I'm so use to swallowing that I would forget. I guess it would take some effort to be a chewlimic. I'm gonna test this out. I want to be the first chewlimic to go down in history. Screw Weight Watchers.

nicole antoinette said...

Okay, so, first of all we should discuss how much I love the "that's what she said"-ness of the first line of Ashley's comment.

"I'm so use to swallowing that I would forget."

Also, I hate to crush all of your dreams, but you didn't actually invent this. It totally is a real anorexic behavior.

Phil Villarreal said...

Sorry, Nicole, but chewlimian tendenceies are listed nowhere on Wikipedia's anorexia page, meaning you are a complete liar and just jealous of my discovery. There will be an exhibit mocking you at the Phil Villarreal Chewlimia Hall of Fame.

Ashley, my apologies to future men you date for breaking you of the swallowing habit.

Ashley O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley O said...

Nicole, I was waiting for someone to 'twss' that. Also, I have a friend that did this back in high school. I semi-crushed Phil's dreams when I told him. Sorry....

And let's not talk about my swallowing. Yeah. Let's not.

Phil Villarreal said...

OK, that makes two inductees into the Phil Villarreal Chewlimia Hall of Fame mockery exhibit. Anyone else want in? Hopefully not because my blog has never had this many comments and I'm afraid another one could explode it.