Sunday, February 14, 2010

Your Guide To The 2010 Winter Olympics

Ah, yes, the 2010 Winter Olympics are here, meaning it’s time for all the wonderful, inspiring thrills of bobsledding, curling and that activity where they run out in skis and randomly stop to fire bullets. It’s the event that brings out the best in international camaraderie and competition. And by camaraderie and competition, I mean absolute, devastating boredom. The following facts will increase your appreciation of how crappy and worthless the Olympics are.

-There’s a new “trial sport” in this year’s games called Snowblinder, in which blindfolded competitors try to ski down dangerous tree-filled mountains without killing themselves. Just kidding, Snowblinder would be entertaining, and nothing in the Winter Olympics is entertaining.

-Contrary to popular belief, bobsledders, skeletoners and lugers are not athletes. They’re sliders.

-Al Michaels pees a little bit out of excitement when he talks ski jumping.

-Figureskater Yu-Na Kim is the favorite to win the gold medal for Hooker Resemblance.

-Every time someone pulls off a triple axel, a kitten dies.

-John Candy can whip any ragtag group of misfits into medal contenders. “Cool Runnings” does not lie. Oh, wait. He’s dead? Crap.

-Non-white people are allowed to compete, although you wouldn't know it, given the NASCAR-like level of etnnic diversity among the athletes.

-The NHL will stop its season to allow its athletes to compete in the games.

-Not one person outside of Canada or those northern states where everyone talks like the guys from Fargo will notice that the NHL has stopped.

-Male figure skaters tend to be somewhat effeminate.

-Speedskating is frikkin’ scary. You’ve seen way they wear unitards and slump over as they skate, moving their arms back and forth low against the ice. They remind me of the Wheelers from Return to Oz. Don’t watch any of their races or they’ll bring back the Wheeler Nightmares you had when you were 6. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

-That really does suck that John Candy is dead.

-Outside the usual top medal contending countries, you’ve got to watch out for Italy. Whenever there’s a World War they start off on the evil side but after you beat them down for a while they switch to good.

-Odd but true: The Russian judge is still pissed that communism didn’t work out, and he’ll deduct points from every figure skater from a member country of the former Coalition of the Willing.

-And the German judge is still pissed about the Treaty of Versailles.

-And the Chinese judge is still pissed about that spyplane we crashed on their land and that we're not paying back all that money we owe them.

-And the French judge is still pissed about that Freedom Fries thing.

-And the Canadian judge is still pissed his already high taxes are going to pay for all this.

-Snowboard is what you get as a new event after Americans complain for years that they don’t win enough medals. Snow-bored is what you get if you actually watch these hippies do their silly flip-and-turn asks.

-Have you heard of the skier lady who isn't sure if she can compete because she has a bruise? No? Come on, sure you have! It’s like so controversial!! She's the diva of nautical ski moguls or whatnot! There’s a TV news story on her every day, and she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated! Oh well. So when do new episodes of Community start coming back on again?

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