Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Things I Wish Would Happen

-That Tara Reid would start a psychic business called Tara Reid's Tarot Reads.

-That the Senate and Congress would dissolve and all the nation's voting be conducted online and via text on Fox Virtual Manager.

-That the Cardinals had the opportunity to challenge the Saints to a rematch with this year's Super Bowl title on the line.

-That they'd bring back Count Chocula.

-That people would start reading newspapers again, including myself.

-That the Winter Olympics would announce their retirement in a joint press conference with U2 and Bruce Springsteen, who would join in and move off to the Lost island after the show ends so no one has to watch them anymore.

-That I was a little bit taller, and was a baller.

-That I didn't need to place my laptop on top of a plastic cutting board in order to prevent it from burning my lap.

-That the show Judge Katy Perry would show up on syndicated daytime TV.

-That the Criterion Collection would release a highlight reel of my life set to my own personal theme song, the All American Rejects' "Gives You Hell."

-That people would disobey the message in this book and just buy the damn thing already.

-That I could think of a way to begin one of these sentences other than using the word "that."

-World peace would occur. There, I did it. Dreams can indeed come true, but sometimes it takes a little passive voice to get 'em off the ground.

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