Wednesday, March 03, 2010

5 People And Things I'm Afraid Of

1. Mr. T - Anyone who's seen Rocky III is with me on this. The yellow teeth, the eyes of terror. He's such a bad man that he kills Rocky's trainer, Mickey, simply by being in the same building with him. He openly hits on Rocky's wife in front of him, then proceeds to give the greatest fighter mankind has ever known a sickening whipping that makes what Ivan Drago did to Apollo Creed seem like pat-a-cake in comparison.

2. Dick Cheney - If him and I were ever in a room together, I don't think I would be coming out of there alive. The guy carries a Darth Vader-ness to him to such an extent that it's not so much that Cheney has a Darth Vader-ness but that Darth Vader has a Dick Cheney-ness. He could snap his fingers and have me disappeared at any second. Wherefore by the grace of Dick am I allowed to walk in freedom.

3. Heights - Screw the term acrophobia. When I come to power I'm eradicating that word from the dictionary and coining "moronosity," which is the mental condition in which people for some reason are NOT afraid of heights. Because it's scary to be way up high, with nothing separating you from splatterage but what seems like a 90 billion feet fall of screaming agony and anticipation of your evolution into road pizza, even though you're only on the upper level of the mall.

4. Getting Night Frozen - Sometimes I'll wake up, only I won't wake up, because I'll be paralyzed, unable to move a finger. I think I'm halfway asleep, halfway a week, and it sucks. I can't even open my eyes. I scream as loud as I can but can hardly eke out a whisper. Sometimes I'm laying on my side and can feel a night freeze coming on so I rocket out of bed and do a little dance in order to fend it off. Yeah, I'm not what you'd call "normal."

5. Turning 50 - Wouldn't that just suck? What is there to look forward to at that point, other than annual rectal exams? I mean, it's better to turn 50 than to die at 49, but still. You're old, and there's no way around it. 40 may be the new 30, but 50 is not the new anything. It's the old everything, and although it's moderately better than being 85, it's still horrifying.


Dana Richard Sanford said...

Phil, found you through Jenny's blog.
I love your quirky humor!
As to this post: I turn 61 this month and all I can say is that "old age is not for wimps". To be honest, It's diferent than being young but not in a bad way. Also, I love standing on the edge of cliffs. But, I do fear Cheney for all the right reasons.
Anyway, keep up the good work. We need more humor in the world.

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