I'm a big conspiracy guy. I'm always looking for the hidden angles, the secret handshakes and the man behind the curtain. I want to connect the invisible dots and believe there are secret societies of super-elites who pull all the strings and know just how everything is going to play out.
But I fear that I'm deluding myself and just believing in fairy tales for the sake of belief, and that it's a folly to string together coincidences as cause and effect. I'm terrified to imagine that my favorite conspiracies are just the work of people with too much free time who just make stuff up.
And if my fears are true, I want to be one of those guys. So following are conspiracies I have made up in the hopes I can get morons like me to believe them. I don't believe in any of these... or do I?
1. Sarah Palin paid Ryan Miller to let Sidney Crosby's gold medal match overtime game-winner past him in order to deflate American nationalism and prime Palin's bid for the 2012 presidency.
2. Barack Obama is not only not an American citizen, but nor is he an Earth citizen, and in fact hails from Triton, moon of Neptune, home to a civilization that deems it a goal to eradicate universal health care from the universe. By feigning weak-sauce health care reform that has no chance of passing even it its pathetic state, he furthers the Tritonian agenda.
3. The 1990 UNLV national championship basketball team were lizard people with time-stopping abilities, rather than humans. Because otherwise Arizona would have beaten them in the Sweet 16 that year and there wouldn't be a black hole in my soul.
4. Two and a Half Men, Dancing with the Stars, NCIS and Ghost Whisperer are secret government plans to identify viewers with no ability to decide what to watch on their own. They are implanted with subliminal messages that turn people into a massive sleeper cell that at the snap of the finger will capture and enslave all normal people.
5. Alf was not a puppet. He was a genuine alien with a heck of a personality and crackerjack timing, not unlike Yakov Smirnoff and Mr. Belvedere. Because of his puppet resemblance, Alf was able to convince NBC that he was an inanimate object and thus would be best used to entertain millions rather than be submitted to copious government tests. Alf so valued his freedom that he allowed an actor to stick his hand up his butt and pretend like he was controlling him for a half hour every Monday.
Hopefully some of these will catch on and one day believers will discover they're not real and feel every bit as crestfallen as I do.