Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things That Will Happen Now That We Gots Health Care Reform

-The Death Panel, which consists of Dick Cheney, Mr. T and the clown from the miniseries IT, will now decide everyone's fate. If the panel -- which makes its decisions the same way the Batman villain Two-Face does, by flipping a coin -- says you die, you die.

-Everyone will start using the metric system, saying "aboot" and be covered in snow, rescuable only by trusty mounties.

-We will devolve into a communist society and sprout breadlines. Washington D.C. will be renamed Obamagrad. People will be kept behind walls with machine guns, we will start battling Checnya and start having awesome Olympic hockey teams.

-No one will actually get health care anymore. We'll just sit around, waiting for it because it will be rationed so severely that whatever ails us, including common colds, will kill us before we get a chance to see the doctor.

-Conservatives will start crossing the border illegally into Mexico.

-Even without conservatives in congress, Democrats will be unable to pass any meaningful legislation that doesn't devolve into a watered-down, convoluted mess.

-Everyone in America will quit their jobs and become unmotivated bums who do nothing but sit around and wait for the free health care they won't actually get.

-Small businesses will all go under and as-of-now-unheard-of things called giant corporations will emerge and start to control the economy.

-Illegal immigrants will steal your social security numbers so they can pretend they are you and not get the health care that they are not paying for, just like you.

-Doctors and execs from pharmaceutical companies and insurance agencies will become so poor they will only be able to afford 45 golf vacations a year rather than the usual 427, and they'll have to scale back to H2s or H3s rather than real Hummers. Also, their liquid gold-spouting bidets will have to be replaced by plain old liquid silver-spouting bidets. And those medical professionals who can no longer afford bidets will resort to wiping their butts with torn-up pieces of the Constitution that will be delivered directly from Obamagrad.

So basically we're all screwed. It will be sad indeed to live in a world in which the poor can afford to have their broken bones set and families will no longer be driven to bankruptcy by appendectomies. Cherish the memories of the old days, son. Cause they are gone, baby gone.


Serendipity said...

Conservatives will start crossing the border illegally into Mexico. Haha. That would be the day.

Ashley O said...