Ranked in order from not so gross to inedible:
5. Shredded Wheat - If you've ever wanted to know what it felt like to be a horse, make yourself a bowl of this hay-like substance, tie a saddle on yourself and nail some metal shoes onto your feet and hands and you'll be there. The least enjoyable part of the experience will be the Shredded Wheat, which can't taste any more bland than actual wheat.
4. Rice Krispies - They're good in Rice Krispy Treat form, but just about anything would be palatable if you mix it with marshmallows and butter. Unbuttered and unmallowed, Krispies are uninspired at best, a soggy mess of glop at the worst. A pathetic underachievement in cereal engineering, Krispies stands up to milk the way the Democrats do to the Republican threat of a filibuster. Within minutes Krispies lose all their integrity and morph into amoebic slimeballs that sink to the bottom of the bowl and cling to the side the way algae suckers do in aquariums.
3. Special K - "Special" is used to describe K in the same way the term is used for... well, let me stop myself before I get into trouble. Let me just say that Special K lives up to its name. The turn-offs start from the box, which usually features a 1980s aerobics woman, which is just about the opposite of sexy. From that point on you know you're in for a "healthy" experience, which means boring and gross, because Special K probably has less calories than other cereals and as everyone knows, the less calories things have the worst they taste because calories are a quantification of flavor.
2. Frosted Mini-Wheats - You may wonder why I'd rank Mini-Wheats, which include frosting, as more detestable than unfrosted Shredded Wheat. The reason is because the designers took a good idea -- to slop sugar all over something -- and only followed halfway through with the concept. As a result, when you're eating a bowl your tongue becomes accustomed to the sweetness so when you come up against the compacted hay the absence of the frost is all the more acute. If I were a medieval inquisition torturing guy I would make heretics eat bowls of Frosted Mini-Wheats until they repented and converted to the one true faith.
1. Cheerios - The name is a lie. There's nothing cheery nor worthy of an O in these circles of hateful agony. I hate Cheerios for many reasons. Maybe its their utter lack of flavor. Maybe its their tiny stature, which eludes capture by spoon when you're down to the final few bites. And maybe, just maybe, it's that my mom forced my family to eat nothing but Cheerios for several months in the 80s because we were saving up boxtops to send away for a free basketball that ended up popping on a cactus right after we got it. Cheerios, I hate you with my entire soul, as well as the souls of all my ancestors and descendants combined into one ginormous Care Bear stare of withering death-ray angst.
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