Monday, March 29, 2010

Go Butler

It's unfair that Butler will be competing in the Final Four against mere mortal NCAA teams, given the fact that its three competitors use college kids while Butler loses immortal magical ninjas with bionic powers and robot legs.

Butler has won 35 million games in a row and never misses baskets. Every time the other team has the ball, Butler steals it and throws down crowd-wowing alley-oop dunks that end in teabaggings and shattered backboards.

This one time a team of aliens played Butler for the right of ownership of the Milky Way Galaxy, and Butler owned them 103-99 in double overtime. Because that's how Butler does. It likes to give you a false sense of security, maybe make you think you've got a chance, then rip out your beating heart and it to you in brown cardboard to-go boxes. All you can do is fowl them and hope they miss free throws, but it's not gonna happen. Because we're talking Butler, baby, which is so clutch that clutch has to pay Butler copyright royalties whenever it breathes.

Butler will not only with the NCAA title this year, but the next 30, all with the same players. Because immortal magic ninjas don't graduate, they just go to grad school and keep on picking up MBAs and doctorates until they're smarter than Yoda times Miyagi plus the Oracle from the Matrix.

Do you know why health care reform passed? No, it wasn't because Democrats finally got their stuff together, it's because Butler told Republicans that if they didn't shut the eff up about the filibuster it would visit every one of their mothers and posterize them in awesome half-court 360 teabag dunks. You get a threat like that and you take it seriously. So even though the Republicans are acting all mad about it and breaking windows and stuff, secretly they're totally glad it happened. And as they go to sleep at night they're whispering "gimme that socialized medicine, baby! I want it so hard!" because they know the alternative would be a grim one indeed.

Las Vegas is wise to how badly Butler will ownelize Michigan State Saturday, and have set the point spread at 25,000. Definitely bet on Butler to cover, if not for all the reasons explained above but because I'm a genius of betting who owned the Luxor for a $60 profit a couple weeks ago.

1 comment:

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