Monday, March 08, 2010

Greek Gods That Should Exist But Don't

As I play God of War III and impale various Greek deities with their own pitchforks, swords and staffs, I can't help but wish the ancient folk had taken their imaginations a few steps further and come up with some more immortals for me to kill in video game form.

If the Greeks ever get a chance to take the lead in advanced civilization once again and reassert their own religious system, here are some gods they might consider.

Comcastacus, God of Cable -- At will, he decides whether or not you can go on the Internet or watch Big Love. He takes mischievous pleasure in erasing your entire DVR, yet sometimes rewards you with 3 free months of HBO for suffering his undignified pranks.

Gassius, God of Gas Prices -- A juggler by trade, his numbered balls spell out the day's charge for regular unleaded. His pet pup is Econimicus, an unpredictable sheepdog who tends to urinate on crops, causing them to fail and hurling economies into recessions.

Toby, God of Pens -- He watches over ballpoints, felt tips, and what have you, aiding the just by giving them a little extra ink when they really, really need it, and forcing leaks on the wicked.

Cardinalos, Hater of Cardinals -- He personally makes the Cardinals lose every year, sort of like the University of Washington ghost basketball player in The Sixth Man, only he's a total dick and makes this guy drop passes and that guy (looking at you, Kurt Warner) retire. His half god, half mortal son is Matt Leinart, whose greatest myth is that some believe he will be a reliable quarterback despite four years of failure.

Portopoticron -- Decides whether or not there are enough portable toilets for social functions. Also the patron god of peeing behind dumpsters while peeking over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking.

Titleninite -- A goddess dedicated to ensuring the televised equity of men's and women's basketball. Whenever an Arizona State-Washington game that inexplicably runs 40 minutes long on Fox Sports Net and causes you to miss most of the first half of the Arizona-Washington men, 'tis the grinning femme fatale Titleninite who is behind the mayhem.

1 comment:

vivalacrap said...

I think we pretty much have the majority of these gods. Except now we just call them like corporations or OPEC or something. What we NEED is for like Zeus to come back so he can start thunderbolting some of them.