Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A meditation on George W. Bush as he relates to Mega Man

George W. Bush is not stupid. His greatest accomplishment is making you think he is.
In reality, W is a hyperintelligent supergenius, and that’s the reason he’s sitting in the White House for his second term, dozens of people are dying every day in Iraq and the companies he’s connected to get exponentially richer by the day. Everything is going exactly to W’s evil plans.

By fooling you into thinking he’s a fool, W is really only following one of the tenets of Sun Tzu’s “Art of War,” which states that it’s always best to have the enemy underestimate you. Be smart but appear dumb. Be prepared but appear unprepared. And most of all, be articulate but appear to be inarticulate.

W’s forced stutter and phony ranch hand accent are meant to endear him to the public, who take whatever he has to say for honesty because they assume he’s not more intelligent than they are. What proves this is W managed to get into Yale, avoid the Vietnam war, and trick people into thinking he’s a Texan even though he’s been a Northeastern blue blood his entire life.

Whenever I refer to our president, I do so as “W,” not because that’s what it said on all those “W ’04” bumper stickers, but because to me it’s the perfect name for him.
The whole W thing is very ironic for me, a boy who was raised playing Mega Man. For those who missed out, you play the games as Mega Man, a blank-faced robot dude with a laser arm who defeats a sequence of giant robot minibosses, then gets to use their weapons once he defeats them.

Each of the robotron opponents in that game were represented by symbols, lined up on grids on the title screen. Each game has a different story and introduces a different mastermind villain, but play all the way through and you’ll always find that the end boss for each game is always the maniacal megagenius Dr. Wiley, who always turned out to be the brains behind everything. Dr. Wiley’s symbol is always a gimongous W, so to me W is the perfect definition of the prez, who is the intrinsic mastermind demigod.

Pass a few Mega Man games, and you’ll notice a certain trend: W fights like a bitch. He has others do the warring for him whenever possible, and only fights for himself once you destroy each and every machination he can think of. And once you get to Dr. Wiley, he never fighting you hand to hand, always Voltronning up in giant robot attackers, spaceships, tanks or whatnot. And then you blow all his sh_t up and he begs you for mercy. Mega Man always lets him live, because he has no other purpose in life than blasting through the obstacles that W puts up, allowing Mega Man to save the world again and again, becoming recognized and respected as a hero. Whereas if W didn't exist, Mega Man would be just about useless, perhaps some kind of servant, and most definitely addicted to robot heroin. Without his W, Mega Man would be nothing more than a lowlife destitute, without hope nor plans. He'd be an electronic Bobby Brown.

In sum, my point is that W is Dr. Wiley, and the rest of us are all either Mega Men or one of W’s minibosses. Whatever you are, you need W to survive. So don’t underestimate the boss. Hail to the king.

No comments: