Donkey Kong's press conference

ANSWERS FROM KONG ARE IN CAPS.

Mr. Kong, first let me say that I love your work. I’d like you to please answer, what’s your favorite video game?

SNIIIIIIIIIIIFF. (POUNDS CHEST) GRAARRRRR.

Sir, do you feel a little overshadowed by the recent cinematic success of your distant cousin, King?

YARRGGH! (ROLLS BARREL AT REPORTER, KILLING HIM) BUNGA!

Mr. Kong, you are famous for your random outbursts of anger, which you just exemplified by killing one of my colleagues. But I must ask, why the barrel?

YORGANATABA!!! (PICKS NOSE) BLONGO!

Kong, you’ve been romantically linked with Jennifer Aniston. Can you confirm or deny these rumors?

RAAAAAAAAR!!! (TAKES GNAT OFF HIS OWN HEAD AND EATS IT) SNIYAGAR.

Where do you like to vacation? Do you have any favorite New York City hangouts?

GHARRAGUAL! (MASTURBATES)

Donkey – may I call you Donkey? What’s the deal with you and Mario?

PLEASE ELABORATE.

I mean, we all know that you started off with a fairly adversarial relationship in the early years, what with you stealing his girlfriend and holding her captive in metal cages atop construction sites. Then came the uncomfortable retribution scenario in which Mario locked you in a metal cage atop jungle vines, until your son, Donkey Kong, Jr., gallantly dodged gigantic bees to rescue you. But since those troubles, you two seemed to have made something of a peace with one another. These days you routinely engage in friendly sporting events, such as go-kart racing, golf, tennis and even baseball. So what I’m getting at is, are you two friends now?

I’D LIKE TO START OFF BY SAYING I THOROUGHLY RESPECT MARIO AS A HUMAN BEING. WHILE IT’S TRUE WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, WHICH WERE UNFORTUNATELY AIRED PUBLICLY IN A HIGHLY EMBARRASSING MANNER, WE’VE AGREED TO STOP CAPTURING ONE ANOTHER, AS WELL AS ONE ANOTHER’S GIRLFRIENDS, IN METAL CAGES. OUR SHARED CONSENSUS IS THAT OUR TALENTS AND INERT RIVALRY ARE BEST SETTLED IN SPORTING EVENTS.

Then, sir, how do you explain the 2004 Game Boy Advance release, “Mario vs. Donkey Kong,” in which you stole the wind-up toy clones Mario made of himself?

(ROLLS BARREL AT REPORTER, KILLING HIM) WIND-UP TOYS WERE NOT PART OF OUR AGREEMENT. NO MORE QUESTIONS, PLEASE.