Every Aspect Of Life Should Have GPS

As someone with no sense of direction, GPS is a godsend. Since I got a TomTom for my birthday last year I've become a new man, getting to exactly where I want to go, when I want to get there. I feel like the TomTom is actually driving the car and I am but a sidekick -- a googly-eyed Robin riding in the sidecar to the Batbike.

The TomTom will suggest crazy time-saving maneuvers, such as sending me down dark, barely-paved streets I'd never noticed existed, and I'll grin widely and say, "TomTom, I don't know what you've got planned for us this time, but I like it!" Well, I won't actually say that... most of the time. I usually just think it. Although I'd be lying if I said I don't commonly speak to my TomTom, occasionally whispering sweet nothings of my respect and admiration. If everyone used GPS to drive, there'd be less traffic, pollution and car accidents, because people would be on the road less and they wouldn't get lost and confused as often.

There's a scene in The Office in which Michael, heeding the advice of his GPS, drives straight into the lake. I proudly declare that I would do the same. You know that Bryan Adams song Everything I Do I Do It For You? He wrote that, as well as Have You Ever Really Really Loved A Woman about him and his GPS. True story. They were invented and used in Canada several decades before they crossed the southern border.

Although my adoration for GPS knows few bounds, it does have its shortcomings. Following is my guide to building a better TomTom:

-It needs to tell you where open parking spots are.

-It should alert you to crazy, maniacal drivers, as well as oversize loads. And when someone cuts you off and you follow them for a while, just to prove a point, and the other driver tries to get away from you, and the offending driver manages to lose you, it should not only tell you where your enemy is hiding but give you its email address and Facebook password.

-It should tell you the news of the day, including sports scores, in a sexy Lara Croft voice.

-It should ask me how I'm doing sometimes, just to show it's not a one-sided relationship -- human to robot slave -- and it actually cares and would serve me even had it been bestowed with the free will of its Cylon descendants.

-It should grow legs and follow me around, gently advising me how much food it's appropriate to eat at a given time, telling me where I lost my keys and watch me play video games, advising me where my enemies are hiding in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

-It should coach me on sexual techniques, advising you when and how to stroke, rub, sweet talk, etc. It should do this via earpiece, because that would just be creepy if it was in the same room with us.

-It should warn me if I'm about to enter a bathroom with no toilet paper. I need to know these things.

-It should choose my clothes. I'm as bad at fashion as I am at directions, so it would help if the TomTom laid my clothes out in the morning.

-It should advise me on the proper actions to attain eternal salvation, or at least avoid going to hell. Lower limbo or mid-Purgatory is all I ask from you, TomTom.