Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Everyone Important From The 80s Is Dead

Even though I could never tell Corey Haim apart from Corey Feldman, I'm still angry that he's gone to that great big rehab facility in the sky. I'd like to take this moment to recall some of the other important people from the decade who are no longer with us. The first four all share the first name of "Mr."

Mr. Belvedere: The epitome of austere British regalness, Belvedere was an illegal immigrant before being an illegal immigrant was cool. Wesley was such a dick in that episode where he tried to get Belvedere deported. And remember that time when Belvedere got addicted to pinball and had his Hearts of Darkness Apocalypse Now Col. Kurtz moment? That ruled.

Mr. Miyagi: He was the smartest man to ever live and could karaticize a hundred Cobra Kais at the same time. Everything people were saying about Chuck Norris five years ago applied double to Miyagi. He was a renaissance man and a truly great human being, and I'm pretty sure Yoda had a poster of him on his bedroom wall when he was growing up. I guarantee you that by the time the Grim Reaper finished dragging Miyagi to the netherworld, he had a broken jaw and his scythe was shoved up his skirt.

Mr. Wizard: You know Isaac Newton, Darwin, Galileo, Marie Curie and Bill Nye? All were blithering idiots compared to Wizard, who invented most science we know today and perfected that science that existed before he was born. He would pull out those lightning balls -- you know the ones, crystal balls with lightning trapped in the middle -- to demonstrate that he had control of the very elements, not unlike Thor, Norse god of thunder. Weather itself had to ask him permission to do whatever it had planned for the day. Sometimes Wizard would approve, sometimes he'd tell it to shove it and come back to him when he wasn't so busy.

Mr. Rogers: To be honest I never much liked Mr. Rogers. Never would have wanted to be left in the same room as the guy. But he was an icon, and rumor has it he was a Vietnam sniper with a hundred thousand headshots in his day. Wikipedia makes no mention of his 'Nam experience, which probably means it's not true, but there's a reason you always thought it might have been true, right? Guy was a stone cold killer, if only metaphorically, and he was tight with King Friday. Maybe a little too tight, but whatever.

Alf: He wasn't that funny, wasn't that real looking, and wasn't big on stage presence. But Alf, like Frankenstein, did it his way, and parlayed his limited abilities into a damn respectable career. So you've gotta take your hat off to the alien puppet, because he was at least as big as Webster in his day.

Donkey Kong Jr: Nintendo shoved Jr. aside for "Diddy Kong," who I believe was a Kong that Donkey Kong Sr. adopted and decided he liked better than his own blood offspring. Somewhere Junior deliberates in seclusion, plotting his sweet revenge. And when it comes time, Junior, you shall have a brother in arms.

Bayou Billy: OK, the sign I'm pretty much done is that I'm exclusively talking about video game characters now. But what the hell, developers? Why does Bionic Commando merit a remake and Bayou Billy not? I may just have to make this game myself, and trust me, you DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT HAPPEN.

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Laura said...

phil, just have to say - i have you on my reader, and when i actually get to check it your posts are hilarious. thanks for the entertainment!

Phil Villarreal said...

Thanks, Mom.

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Julie Murphy said...

You forgot Mister Green Jeans. (

lastword said...

lol. You're welcome son. :D