The Secret Of The Fade Out

When you are a movie critic for several years you begin to formulate little tricks to help get you through the slower movies. The best of these is the Secret of the Fade Out. Let me explain:

Whenever something fades to black before transitioning to a new, unrelated scene, imagine that whoever -- or whatever -- was on screen before the fade instantly began having sex with each other as things darken. It makes just about anything watchable. You name it: Harry Potter, Operation Dumbo Drop, FernGully: The Last Rainforest.

I've used this technique for so long that I've managed to half convince myself it's the Freudian truth rather than a silly gimmick of my creation. Oftentimes characters emerge with oddly bemused, preternaturally satisfied gazes on their faces, maybe a hair or two inexplicably out of place or a piece of clothing strangely ruffled.

The problem with the Secret of the Fade Out is it tends to ruin movies for you, especially The Karate Kid. Miyagi and Daniel-san get it on so much, in so many unorthodox locations, and keep coming back for the sequels. These guys are straight-up sex addicts. And things get really weird in The Next Karate Kid when it's Hilary Swank's turn.

OK, the moral of this story is not to become a movie critic, and never, ever, ever watch stuff using the Secret of the Fade Out. Even though I know you will from now on, because let's face it, once you find out about it, it's impossible to not.