Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Confederate Flag
I'd like to thank everyone who adorns their pickup trucks with Confederate license plates and decals. You advertise yourself as racist dirtbags, making it easy for everyone who's moved on from the Civil War to know they're disgusted with you without having to waste the time to get to speak with you.
Granted, this message is intended for those who hold the flag is a symbol for "I wish black people were slaves," not those honorable, progressive Confederates* who simply support state rights.
*Just kidding, it's intended doubly for these delusional fools who proudly display the flag - which is as reprehensible as a swastika banner - on invented pretenses.
Granted, this message is intended for those who hold the flag is a symbol for "I wish black people were slaves," not those honorable, progressive Confederates* who simply support state rights.
*Just kidding, it's intended doubly for these delusional fools who proudly display the flag - which is as reprehensible as a swastika banner - on invented pretenses.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A list of the only good songs ever made
For the most part, I don't like music. I don't actively despise it - my full-blown musical hatred is reserved for only the greatest evils such as U2, Sean Combs, Bruce Springsteen and nearly all country and death metal, but I'm apathetic to most music in general. Concerts bore me and I can safely say I will never again buy a CD. Very few tunes are worth a $1 download, or even the time it would take to find it on one of the illegal pirate services.
Thus, I see no need to ever buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, because there's no way I could ever fill even 1 gigabyte with songs I respect. Here are the only songs I actually like, and I'm sick of even most of these. (Bear in mind I have either no or awful taste in music, and my ignorance is mostly due to the art form's failure to intrigue me enough to do more research.)
1. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall. I found it catchy when it first came out but now I'm sick of it, always skip past it on my MP3 player and am considering deleting it.
2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor. I've got a thing for Russian pop I guess.
3. Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs. Another song I loved at first but now skip every time. Gonna delete it soon unless something changes.
4. They - Jem. I skip past this one 6 out of every 10 times, but when I'm in the mood for its haunting bounciness the tune really does it for me.
5. White Houses - Vanessa Carlton. This is a truly inspired ballad about that precious, unforgettable phase in your life in which you're still a kid but not yet tied down by life's drudgery. It gives me chills whenever I listen to it, which is rarely because usually I'm not equipped to handle the rush so I skip it.
6. Low - Cracker. Grunge at its near best.
7. Sometimes I Don't Mind - Suicide Machines. A funny gimmick tune; a love song written to a dog.
8. Until We Get Caught - Hit the Lights. I fell in love with this one while watching the trailer for "Madden NFL 07." Remember that video game, because there are two others on this list that came from there. If I knew what I was doing I would make a tribute video to this with clips from "300," because the song captures the film's spirit.
9. Stupid Girls - Pink. By far her best song. A direct attack on Paris Hilton and her ilk.
10. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects. Great punk.
11. I Met a Girl - Wheat. A whiny, loserish song that pulled me in a few years ago. Probably gonna delete it.
12. All Downhill from Here - Newfound Glory. Pop/punk is my weakness - the closest thing to a genre I like as a whole. Get ready for a bunch more songs just like this.
13. Around the World - ATC. An IBM commercial, I think, made me rediscover this. It's the one that goes lalalalalal and everbyody's singing lalalalala. Good stuff.
14. Is it Any Wonder - Keane. Another "Madden NFL 07" gem. I didn't like it at first but it wore me down.
15. Hollywood - Madonna. Closest thing to a good song Madonna has ever made. I don't hate her, but she's very mediocre. I like this one because she admits what a failure all her movies are.
16. Miss Murder - AFI. I almost never listen to this one, but it's just good enough to stay on my list.
17. Let's Get Retarded - Black Eye Peas. I should get rid of this just because the band is such a sellout for making that alternate, censored version. But I can't.
18. Try - Nelly Furtado. I actually hate this one now. Why don't I drop it? Can't say.
19. La La - Ashlee Simpson. A better song than anything the Beatles ever made. Ashlee really does have talent. Don't care what anyone else thinks.
20. Tune Out - The Format. A song about how awful Phoenix traffic and smoking inside a car are.
21. Sitting, Waiting Wishing - Jack Johnson. A primal howl of unrequited love. Genius.
22. What I've Done - Linkin Park. The lead singer of the band seems like a douche, but I like his brand of bitching. The Transformers movie end credits sold me on this one.
23. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne. So so good. So so ashamed for thinking so.
24. No Doubt - New. Gwen Stefani is by far the greatest singer to ever live. And she's still not all that great.
25. What's Your Number - Cypress Hill. A funny bullshit bunch of bragadacio about a night that I'm sure never really happened.
26. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes. This one truly defines what love is. It doesn't let you walk on clouds - it's truly incapacitating, grabbing you by the throat.
27. Do You Want to Know a Secret? - Beatles. The only Beatles song you'll find on here. What was the big deal?
28. Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols. "Flushed Away," the cartoon rat movie, used this for a chase montage and I scribbled down the lyrics so I could find it. Thank you Google.
29. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles. Way better than the verzion sung by dudes.
30. Into the Great Wide Open - Tom Petty. My dad used to hum this song when I was a teenager. Drilled it into my brain.
31. Molly - Sponge. The 16 candles down the drain song. Don't know what it means, but as the lyrics say, "don't ask why."
32. Brain Stew - Green Day. Much of what Green Days does, especially "Time of Your Life" and "When I Come Around," makes me want to puke, but this one is a great song about being worn out and burned to a crisp. It's probably based on drug and booze induced hangovers on tour.
33. Stuck - Stacie Orrico. A one-hit wonder that wasn't even a hit. Kinda sad.
34. I Get Around - Tupac. The greatest hip-hop song ever made.
35. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic. A bunch of sung numbers. Sounds like a trippy Sesame Street thing.
36. Out Here All Night - Damone. Another Madden tune. I thought it was stupid at first, but it grew on me in a huge way. I love its naivete.
37. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band. The Xbox 360 launch title "Amped" hooked me on this nonsense.
38. A Whole New World - Aladdin and Jasmine. From probably the sexiest scene of any animated movie. I love the way he makes her feel guilty for cheating on him, and how she's totally willing to ditch Aladdin for his secret identity. Hot.
39. About Her - Malcolm McLaren. "Kill Bill Vol. 1" showed me the light.
40. All the Things She Said - Tatu. There I go with the Russians again. Plus bonus lesbianism and catchy lyrics.
41. America - Bree Sharp. I'm sure she's working at a Motel 6 now as a maid, but she's $16 bucks richer than she would be because I bought her horrible CD off of one good song that was on the radio back in 2000.
42. Angel is the Centerfold - Charlie Daniels Band. Catchy but idiotic lyrics. The guy is a moron for being offended that a schoolmate became a porn princess. Be proud, dude.
43. Angry Johnny - Poe. And Poe, I'm sure, cleans the toilets at the same Motel 6. I'm still pissed at her for canceling a free concert she was going to on campus back when I was in college.
44. Around the World - Daft Punk. No excuses here. I'm a tool.
45. Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto. She does it better than Sinatra in her weird foreign accent.
46. Back to Life - Soul 2 Soul. I didn't care for this song when I was a kid. But a commercial a few years ago made me like it.
47. Bandages - Hot Hot Heat. Fast and cool. It'll be my favorite song for a week and then I won't listen to it for 5 years.
48. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs. Just begging to play as background music as a montage in a comedy about a farmer who romances a sheep.
49. In the Blood - Better Than Ezra. For many years I held up Ezra as the greatest band in the world. Now, not so much.
50. Big Poppa - Biggie Smalls. The second greatest hip-hop tune ever.
51. For the Longest Time - Billy Joel. He's way, way overrated, but at least he made a couple listenable songs.
52. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd. This one applies to the way so many women felt about me when I was single.
53. What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. I don't like "Gray's Anatomy," but I caught the episode that featured this song and I was smitten.
54. Breakdown - Tantric. I want this song to play after every touchdown I score in "Tecmo Bowl."
55. Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None the Richer. Breathy and lyrical.
56. Breathless - The Corrs. The NBC ad campaign a few years ago that co-opted this song almost made me dislike it.
57. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies. Don't really understand it, but I still like it. A far better alternative to BNL's "If I Had a Million Dollars."
58. Celebrity Skin - Hole. Courtney Love is so dirty and yet so talented.
59. Christmas Time - Blink 182. A song that encapsulates how I feel about Christmas.
60. Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos. Makes no sense at all.
61. Butterfly - Crazy Town. Didn't like it when it was popular.
62. Cruel Summer - Bananarama. "The Karate Kid" series gave me two songs to love. This was one of them.
63. Crystal Village - Pete Yorn. An aching lament about a faded romance.
64. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys. How could you watch "Office Space" and not love this one?
65. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants. References Karl Malone. Badass.
66. Upside Down - Diana Ross. Nothing in "Dreamgirls" could compete with this.
67. Digital Boy - Bad Religion. Philosophical old-school punk is another weakness.
68. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. The mediocre video game "Prey" convinced me to like this by using it in a scene where you get kidnapped by aliens.
69. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran. Their one good song, made decades after everyone stopped caring about them.
70. Every Other Time - LFO. The one good Boy Band song.
71. Extraodrinary - Liz Phair. I liked her moved to pop selloutdom.
72. Fat Lip - Sum 41. The redeemer of the "American Pie 2" soundtrack.
73. Female of the Species - Space. Reminds me of the Koopa Island tune in "Super Mario Kart."
74. Fill it Up Again - Indigo Girls. Too good for its own good.
75. Float On - Modest Mouse. Upbeat and nostalgic.
76. Flood - Jars of Clay. One of two great Jesus Rock songs.
77. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms. Good stalker tune.
78. Freak of the Week - Marvellous 3. I've been to one of their concerts and bought their CD, just because of this one song.
79. Get Em Outta Here - Sprung Monkey. Fun groove about pimping the streets of San Diego.
80. Girls Not Grey - AFI. Really really bored with this.
81. Good - Better Than Ezra. Reminds me of getting pummeled in my first year of varsity football.
82. Disease - Bad Religion. Oh Bad Religion, you're so deep.
83. Satellite - Guster. Got it from "Martian Child." Probably my favorite song at the moment - absolutely nails how it feels to be a dad.
84. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani. Hate the video, love the tune.
85. Heartache for Everyone - Indigo Girls. A decent second-stringer to "Fill it Up Again."
86. Hit Em Up Style - Blue Cantrell. Never, ever cheat on Blue Cantrell.
87. Hody Hody - Shoe Bomb. A local band no one has heard of or ever will.
88. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera. And the second great Daniel-song, this one from "Karate Kid II."
89. I Do - Lisa Loeb. Oddly, not the only Lisa Loeb song on the list.
90. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees. Better than most of the stuff Nirvana made.
91. I Want it All - Warren G. Doesn't everyone?
92. I Wish - Skee Lo. And doesn't every man who's 5-8 wish he was a little bit taller?
93. If I Can Go - Angie Martinez. Spanglish sensation.
94. If I Could Talk I'd Tell You - Lemonheads. "There's Something About Mary" gave me this and one other.
95. Igniton - R Kelly. I refuse to refer to this as a remix. No one has ever heard of the original Ignition, so this is the Ignition of record.
96. Irish Blood English Heart - Morrisey. "FIFA 06" made me fall under the trance of this hate-filled political diatribe.
97. Island in the Sun - Weezer. I already liked it before I saw the movie "Out Cold," but the comedy cemented my adoration.
98. It's All Been Done - Barenaked Ladies. Easygoing groove about a desperate crush that won't be consummated in this life, but maybe has in the past and will in the next.
99. It's Alright It's OK - Leah Andreone. I paid $8 for the single. At the time it was worth every penny.
100. Joyride - Roxette. Liked it a little at age 13, loved in during college when it was played before soccer and baseball games I covered.
101. Jump Right In - The Urge. The theme song for every illicit, ill-advised hookup.
102. Jump Start - The Hang Ups. Kevin Smith made the single greatest musical montage in movie history. The tune plays in "Chasing Amy" as Ben Affleck hangs out with Joey Lauren Adams, desperately hoping he can friend her into a relationship. The chorus goes "Never will regret this..."
103. Kodochrome - Paul Simon. "Cops and Robbersons" made me like it.
104. Lack of Water - Why Store. Should be the theme song of Arizona.
105. Lay Me Down - Live. Reminds me of driving to Phoenix in 110 degrees with no air conditioning.
106. Layla - Eric Clapton. The slow version of this sucks. The unplugged owns all.
107. Let Go - Frou Frou. "Garden State" taught me to appreciate this.
108. Let's Forget About It - Lisa Loeb. There she is again.
109. Let's Make a Deal - Dangerman.
110. Lightning Strikes - Lou Christie. A doo-wop like song that kills.
111. Numb - Linkin Park. "Miami Vice" convinced me.
112. Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9. Reminds me of winning a Scooby-Doo in a carnie game at Magic Mountain.
113. Looks Like They Were Right - Lit. For some reason it seems to be a song about turning 30.
114. Loser - 3 Doors Down. One time a friend of mine sung along with this on the radio with alarming conviction.
115. Love Fool - The Cardigans. Weird song to like, I know.
116. Love You Madly - Cake. Another song about love that isn't as great as it could be.
117. Makin' Money - Handsome Devil. "Out Cold" showed me another awesome punk song.
118. Man Enough for Me - Toni Braxton. I was man enough for you back in '95, Toni.
119. I Love You - Martina McBride. The only country song I like. You could hardly call it country though.
120. Motown Song - Rod Stewart. Really cool cartoon video went with this one.
121. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra. The trailer for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" won me over.
122. The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKinnit. Reminds me of "The Legend of Zelda."
123. My Boo - Ghosttown DJs. I think it was MTV's "The Grind" that hooked me on this back in high school.
124. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind. "Say it isn't So" made me like it.
125. Never Say Never - That Dog. Heard this once on the radio and had to have it.
126. Never You Mind - Semisonic. Much better than "Closing Time," which made me buy the CD.
127. Oi to the World - No Doubt. Weird jangly Christmas song.
128. Over My Head - Lit. The theme song of me becoming a film critic at age 22.
129. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco. I refuse to put an exclamation mark after Panic. It's my way of lashing out at the man. I'm bored with the song.
130. Pardon Me - Incubus. Really getting tired of this one.
131. Peaceful World - John Mellencamp. The inverse of "This is Our Country."
132. Playa's Holiday - TNDY. Because every playa needs a holiday.
133. Pretty Deep - Tanya. I heard it at Taco Bell and my friends made fun of me for saying it was a good song.
134. Prophecy - Remy Zero. The American version of "The Last Kiss" introduced me to the song, which I liked better when I thought it went "have sex with me now."
135. Ride Wit Me - Nelly. One of the billion songs about making it big and rubbing it in everyone's face. The best one, I daresay.
136. River of Dreams - Billy Joel. Don't think I've listened to it all the way through in 10 years. Can't let it go though.
137. Roll to Me - Della Mitri. Ah, summer of '95.
138. Romeo's Got Nothin' on Me - KGB. So so so catchy.
139. Round the Way Girl - LL Cool J. When you become famous it's much easier to get some play with the uppity ladies you grew up with, according to Mr. Cool J.
140. Saint Joe on the School Bus - Marcy Playground. Better than "Sex and Candy."
141. Satellite - Dave Matthews. Good violin action.
142. Save Your Love - Bad Boys Blue. Brings to mind my 8th grade crush.
143. Seether - Veruca Salt. A lot of us have something we'd like to have crammed into the lead singer's mouth back int the day.
144. Self Control - Laura Branigan. "Vice City" indoctrinated me.
145. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple. Whoever dumped you was crazy, Fiona. But then so are you.
146. She's Going to Change the World - Chris Cornell. Women with power can be intimidating.
147. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake. My atheist friend believed this to be a religious parable.
148. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crowe. Dedicated presciently to Lance Armstrong?
149. Sin So Well - Rebekah. Overpaid for the single of it.
150. Six Feet Deep - Geto Boys. The thought-provoking gangsta jam of 8th grade.
151. In This Life - Chantal. One billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
152. Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel. Two billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
153. Sorrow - Bad Religion. My religious beliefs identify fairly strongly with the lyrics.
154. Soft Serve - Soul Coughing. What a metaphor.
155. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie. It was from "Garden State" I think.
156. Spiderwebs - No Doubt. Like every other dumbass in 1996, I had this as my voice mail intro.
157. Suddenly - Soraya. Reminds me of my cousin's hot friend she brought to Thanksgiving when I was a teenager. I was too shy.
158. Sunday Shining - Finley Quaye. Sounds like Fraggle Rock.
159. Superman - REM. A look inside the minds of 14-year-old comic book obsessives.
160. Swing Low - Hole. Courtney, the chariot needs to swing very low for you.
161. Swing Swing - All American Rejects. Should be played at least once at every baseball game.
162. Take it Off - The Donnas. Even better on "Guitar Hero."
163. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. Great PSP promo song. Shouldn'ta dropped it.
164. Creep - STP. Take time with a wounded hand. Don't know what it means. Don't care.
165. Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam. Another one non hit no wonder.
166. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus. For the longest time I thought it was sung by a chick.
167. Tonight and the Rest of My Life - Nina Gordon. Some jewelry commercial sold me on it. Argh.
168. The Passenger - Iggy Pop. "Waking Life" trailer, baby. "You're a dreamer? Don't see too many of you around lately."
169. Then the Morning Comes - Smash Mouth. Fell in love hard to this one.
170. Think Twice - Eve 6. Overprotective much?
171. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield. Liked it more before I listened to it 10,000 times. Good song about the creative process.
172. This is the Day - Ivy. "Mary" strikes again.
173. Time and Time Again - Chronic Future. CF makes up for the annoying "Scottsdale Brat."
174. What I Am - Edie Brickell. Not as deep as you think, Edie. But deep enough.
175. Tropicalia - Beck. The theme song for overpriced cruises.
176. Underground - Ben Folds Five. High school losers unite.
177. Unpretty - TLC. Their only good song.
178. Video Killed the Radio Star - Presidents. Punk remake bested the original.
179. Waltz for a Night - Julie Delpy. "Before Sunset" is one of the greatest movies.
180. What I Didn't Know - Anthaneum. My apartment neighbor played with my heart.
181. What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani. Reminds you to get your ass in gear with creative projects before you're too old.
182. Yeah Whatever - Splendor. An anti love song.
183. When I Grow Up - Garbage. I like it more through the eyes of my son.
184. You Get What You Give - New Radicals. Way overplayed, but it's a part of me.
185. Your Woman - White Town. A little too freaky, but steals its beat from the "Star Wars" theme.
186. Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. That other good Christian song.
Thus, I see no need to ever buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, because there's no way I could ever fill even 1 gigabyte with songs I respect. Here are the only songs I actually like, and I'm sick of even most of these. (Bear in mind I have either no or awful taste in music, and my ignorance is mostly due to the art form's failure to intrigue me enough to do more research.)
1. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall. I found it catchy when it first came out but now I'm sick of it, always skip past it on my MP3 player and am considering deleting it.
2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor. I've got a thing for Russian pop I guess.
3. Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs. Another song I loved at first but now skip every time. Gonna delete it soon unless something changes.
4. They - Jem. I skip past this one 6 out of every 10 times, but when I'm in the mood for its haunting bounciness the tune really does it for me.
5. White Houses - Vanessa Carlton. This is a truly inspired ballad about that precious, unforgettable phase in your life in which you're still a kid but not yet tied down by life's drudgery. It gives me chills whenever I listen to it, which is rarely because usually I'm not equipped to handle the rush so I skip it.
6. Low - Cracker. Grunge at its near best.
7. Sometimes I Don't Mind - Suicide Machines. A funny gimmick tune; a love song written to a dog.
8. Until We Get Caught - Hit the Lights. I fell in love with this one while watching the trailer for "Madden NFL 07." Remember that video game, because there are two others on this list that came from there. If I knew what I was doing I would make a tribute video to this with clips from "300," because the song captures the film's spirit.
9. Stupid Girls - Pink. By far her best song. A direct attack on Paris Hilton and her ilk.
10. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects. Great punk.
11. I Met a Girl - Wheat. A whiny, loserish song that pulled me in a few years ago. Probably gonna delete it.
12. All Downhill from Here - Newfound Glory. Pop/punk is my weakness - the closest thing to a genre I like as a whole. Get ready for a bunch more songs just like this.
13. Around the World - ATC. An IBM commercial, I think, made me rediscover this. It's the one that goes lalalalalal and everbyody's singing lalalalala. Good stuff.
14. Is it Any Wonder - Keane. Another "Madden NFL 07" gem. I didn't like it at first but it wore me down.
15. Hollywood - Madonna. Closest thing to a good song Madonna has ever made. I don't hate her, but she's very mediocre. I like this one because she admits what a failure all her movies are.
16. Miss Murder - AFI. I almost never listen to this one, but it's just good enough to stay on my list.
17. Let's Get Retarded - Black Eye Peas. I should get rid of this just because the band is such a sellout for making that alternate, censored version. But I can't.
18. Try - Nelly Furtado. I actually hate this one now. Why don't I drop it? Can't say.
19. La La - Ashlee Simpson. A better song than anything the Beatles ever made. Ashlee really does have talent. Don't care what anyone else thinks.
20. Tune Out - The Format. A song about how awful Phoenix traffic and smoking inside a car are.
21. Sitting, Waiting Wishing - Jack Johnson. A primal howl of unrequited love. Genius.
22. What I've Done - Linkin Park. The lead singer of the band seems like a douche, but I like his brand of bitching. The Transformers movie end credits sold me on this one.
23. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne. So so good. So so ashamed for thinking so.
24. No Doubt - New. Gwen Stefani is by far the greatest singer to ever live. And she's still not all that great.
25. What's Your Number - Cypress Hill. A funny bullshit bunch of bragadacio about a night that I'm sure never really happened.
26. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes. This one truly defines what love is. It doesn't let you walk on clouds - it's truly incapacitating, grabbing you by the throat.
27. Do You Want to Know a Secret? - Beatles. The only Beatles song you'll find on here. What was the big deal?
28. Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols. "Flushed Away," the cartoon rat movie, used this for a chase montage and I scribbled down the lyrics so I could find it. Thank you Google.
29. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles. Way better than the verzion sung by dudes.
30. Into the Great Wide Open - Tom Petty. My dad used to hum this song when I was a teenager. Drilled it into my brain.
31. Molly - Sponge. The 16 candles down the drain song. Don't know what it means, but as the lyrics say, "don't ask why."
32. Brain Stew - Green Day. Much of what Green Days does, especially "Time of Your Life" and "When I Come Around," makes me want to puke, but this one is a great song about being worn out and burned to a crisp. It's probably based on drug and booze induced hangovers on tour.
33. Stuck - Stacie Orrico. A one-hit wonder that wasn't even a hit. Kinda sad.
34. I Get Around - Tupac. The greatest hip-hop song ever made.
35. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic. A bunch of sung numbers. Sounds like a trippy Sesame Street thing.
36. Out Here All Night - Damone. Another Madden tune. I thought it was stupid at first, but it grew on me in a huge way. I love its naivete.
37. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band. The Xbox 360 launch title "Amped" hooked me on this nonsense.
38. A Whole New World - Aladdin and Jasmine. From probably the sexiest scene of any animated movie. I love the way he makes her feel guilty for cheating on him, and how she's totally willing to ditch Aladdin for his secret identity. Hot.
39. About Her - Malcolm McLaren. "Kill Bill Vol. 1" showed me the light.
40. All the Things She Said - Tatu. There I go with the Russians again. Plus bonus lesbianism and catchy lyrics.
41. America - Bree Sharp. I'm sure she's working at a Motel 6 now as a maid, but she's $16 bucks richer than she would be because I bought her horrible CD off of one good song that was on the radio back in 2000.
42. Angel is the Centerfold - Charlie Daniels Band. Catchy but idiotic lyrics. The guy is a moron for being offended that a schoolmate became a porn princess. Be proud, dude.
43. Angry Johnny - Poe. And Poe, I'm sure, cleans the toilets at the same Motel 6. I'm still pissed at her for canceling a free concert she was going to on campus back when I was in college.
44. Around the World - Daft Punk. No excuses here. I'm a tool.
45. Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto. She does it better than Sinatra in her weird foreign accent.
46. Back to Life - Soul 2 Soul. I didn't care for this song when I was a kid. But a commercial a few years ago made me like it.
47. Bandages - Hot Hot Heat. Fast and cool. It'll be my favorite song for a week and then I won't listen to it for 5 years.
48. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs. Just begging to play as background music as a montage in a comedy about a farmer who romances a sheep.
49. In the Blood - Better Than Ezra. For many years I held up Ezra as the greatest band in the world. Now, not so much.
50. Big Poppa - Biggie Smalls. The second greatest hip-hop tune ever.
51. For the Longest Time - Billy Joel. He's way, way overrated, but at least he made a couple listenable songs.
52. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd. This one applies to the way so many women felt about me when I was single.
53. What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. I don't like "Gray's Anatomy," but I caught the episode that featured this song and I was smitten.
54. Breakdown - Tantric. I want this song to play after every touchdown I score in "Tecmo Bowl."
55. Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None the Richer. Breathy and lyrical.
56. Breathless - The Corrs. The NBC ad campaign a few years ago that co-opted this song almost made me dislike it.
57. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies. Don't really understand it, but I still like it. A far better alternative to BNL's "If I Had a Million Dollars."
58. Celebrity Skin - Hole. Courtney Love is so dirty and yet so talented.
59. Christmas Time - Blink 182. A song that encapsulates how I feel about Christmas.
60. Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos. Makes no sense at all.
61. Butterfly - Crazy Town. Didn't like it when it was popular.
62. Cruel Summer - Bananarama. "The Karate Kid" series gave me two songs to love. This was one of them.
63. Crystal Village - Pete Yorn. An aching lament about a faded romance.
64. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys. How could you watch "Office Space" and not love this one?
65. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants. References Karl Malone. Badass.
66. Upside Down - Diana Ross. Nothing in "Dreamgirls" could compete with this.
67. Digital Boy - Bad Religion. Philosophical old-school punk is another weakness.
68. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. The mediocre video game "Prey" convinced me to like this by using it in a scene where you get kidnapped by aliens.
69. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran. Their one good song, made decades after everyone stopped caring about them.
70. Every Other Time - LFO. The one good Boy Band song.
71. Extraodrinary - Liz Phair. I liked her moved to pop selloutdom.
72. Fat Lip - Sum 41. The redeemer of the "American Pie 2" soundtrack.
73. Female of the Species - Space. Reminds me of the Koopa Island tune in "Super Mario Kart."
74. Fill it Up Again - Indigo Girls. Too good for its own good.
75. Float On - Modest Mouse. Upbeat and nostalgic.
76. Flood - Jars of Clay. One of two great Jesus Rock songs.
77. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms. Good stalker tune.
78. Freak of the Week - Marvellous 3. I've been to one of their concerts and bought their CD, just because of this one song.
79. Get Em Outta Here - Sprung Monkey. Fun groove about pimping the streets of San Diego.
80. Girls Not Grey - AFI. Really really bored with this.
81. Good - Better Than Ezra. Reminds me of getting pummeled in my first year of varsity football.
82. Disease - Bad Religion. Oh Bad Religion, you're so deep.
83. Satellite - Guster. Got it from "Martian Child." Probably my favorite song at the moment - absolutely nails how it feels to be a dad.
84. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani. Hate the video, love the tune.
85. Heartache for Everyone - Indigo Girls. A decent second-stringer to "Fill it Up Again."
86. Hit Em Up Style - Blue Cantrell. Never, ever cheat on Blue Cantrell.
87. Hody Hody - Shoe Bomb. A local band no one has heard of or ever will.
88. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera. And the second great Daniel-song, this one from "Karate Kid II."
89. I Do - Lisa Loeb. Oddly, not the only Lisa Loeb song on the list.
90. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees. Better than most of the stuff Nirvana made.
91. I Want it All - Warren G. Doesn't everyone?
92. I Wish - Skee Lo. And doesn't every man who's 5-8 wish he was a little bit taller?
93. If I Can Go - Angie Martinez. Spanglish sensation.
94. If I Could Talk I'd Tell You - Lemonheads. "There's Something About Mary" gave me this and one other.
95. Igniton - R Kelly. I refuse to refer to this as a remix. No one has ever heard of the original Ignition, so this is the Ignition of record.
96. Irish Blood English Heart - Morrisey. "FIFA 06" made me fall under the trance of this hate-filled political diatribe.
97. Island in the Sun - Weezer. I already liked it before I saw the movie "Out Cold," but the comedy cemented my adoration.
98. It's All Been Done - Barenaked Ladies. Easygoing groove about a desperate crush that won't be consummated in this life, but maybe has in the past and will in the next.
99. It's Alright It's OK - Leah Andreone. I paid $8 for the single. At the time it was worth every penny.
100. Joyride - Roxette. Liked it a little at age 13, loved in during college when it was played before soccer and baseball games I covered.
101. Jump Right In - The Urge. The theme song for every illicit, ill-advised hookup.
102. Jump Start - The Hang Ups. Kevin Smith made the single greatest musical montage in movie history. The tune plays in "Chasing Amy" as Ben Affleck hangs out with Joey Lauren Adams, desperately hoping he can friend her into a relationship. The chorus goes "Never will regret this..."
103. Kodochrome - Paul Simon. "Cops and Robbersons" made me like it.
104. Lack of Water - Why Store. Should be the theme song of Arizona.
105. Lay Me Down - Live. Reminds me of driving to Phoenix in 110 degrees with no air conditioning.
106. Layla - Eric Clapton. The slow version of this sucks. The unplugged owns all.
107. Let Go - Frou Frou. "Garden State" taught me to appreciate this.
108. Let's Forget About It - Lisa Loeb. There she is again.
109. Let's Make a Deal - Dangerman.
110. Lightning Strikes - Lou Christie. A doo-wop like song that kills.
111. Numb - Linkin Park. "Miami Vice" convinced me.
112. Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9. Reminds me of winning a Scooby-Doo in a carnie game at Magic Mountain.
113. Looks Like They Were Right - Lit. For some reason it seems to be a song about turning 30.
114. Loser - 3 Doors Down. One time a friend of mine sung along with this on the radio with alarming conviction.
115. Love Fool - The Cardigans. Weird song to like, I know.
116. Love You Madly - Cake. Another song about love that isn't as great as it could be.
117. Makin' Money - Handsome Devil. "Out Cold" showed me another awesome punk song.
118. Man Enough for Me - Toni Braxton. I was man enough for you back in '95, Toni.
119. I Love You - Martina McBride. The only country song I like. You could hardly call it country though.
120. Motown Song - Rod Stewart. Really cool cartoon video went with this one.
121. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra. The trailer for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" won me over.
122. The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKinnit. Reminds me of "The Legend of Zelda."
123. My Boo - Ghosttown DJs. I think it was MTV's "The Grind" that hooked me on this back in high school.
124. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind. "Say it isn't So" made me like it.
125. Never Say Never - That Dog. Heard this once on the radio and had to have it.
126. Never You Mind - Semisonic. Much better than "Closing Time," which made me buy the CD.
127. Oi to the World - No Doubt. Weird jangly Christmas song.
128. Over My Head - Lit. The theme song of me becoming a film critic at age 22.
129. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco. I refuse to put an exclamation mark after Panic. It's my way of lashing out at the man. I'm bored with the song.
130. Pardon Me - Incubus. Really getting tired of this one.
131. Peaceful World - John Mellencamp. The inverse of "This is Our Country."
132. Playa's Holiday - TNDY. Because every playa needs a holiday.
133. Pretty Deep - Tanya. I heard it at Taco Bell and my friends made fun of me for saying it was a good song.
134. Prophecy - Remy Zero. The American version of "The Last Kiss" introduced me to the song, which I liked better when I thought it went "have sex with me now."
135. Ride Wit Me - Nelly. One of the billion songs about making it big and rubbing it in everyone's face. The best one, I daresay.
136. River of Dreams - Billy Joel. Don't think I've listened to it all the way through in 10 years. Can't let it go though.
137. Roll to Me - Della Mitri. Ah, summer of '95.
138. Romeo's Got Nothin' on Me - KGB. So so so catchy.
139. Round the Way Girl - LL Cool J. When you become famous it's much easier to get some play with the uppity ladies you grew up with, according to Mr. Cool J.
140. Saint Joe on the School Bus - Marcy Playground. Better than "Sex and Candy."
141. Satellite - Dave Matthews. Good violin action.
142. Save Your Love - Bad Boys Blue. Brings to mind my 8th grade crush.
143. Seether - Veruca Salt. A lot of us have something we'd like to have crammed into the lead singer's mouth back int the day.
144. Self Control - Laura Branigan. "Vice City" indoctrinated me.
145. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple. Whoever dumped you was crazy, Fiona. But then so are you.
146. She's Going to Change the World - Chris Cornell. Women with power can be intimidating.
147. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake. My atheist friend believed this to be a religious parable.
148. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crowe. Dedicated presciently to Lance Armstrong?
149. Sin So Well - Rebekah. Overpaid for the single of it.
150. Six Feet Deep - Geto Boys. The thought-provoking gangsta jam of 8th grade.
151. In This Life - Chantal. One billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
152. Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel. Two billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
153. Sorrow - Bad Religion. My religious beliefs identify fairly strongly with the lyrics.
154. Soft Serve - Soul Coughing. What a metaphor.
155. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie. It was from "Garden State" I think.
156. Spiderwebs - No Doubt. Like every other dumbass in 1996, I had this as my voice mail intro.
157. Suddenly - Soraya. Reminds me of my cousin's hot friend she brought to Thanksgiving when I was a teenager. I was too shy.
158. Sunday Shining - Finley Quaye. Sounds like Fraggle Rock.
159. Superman - REM. A look inside the minds of 14-year-old comic book obsessives.
160. Swing Low - Hole. Courtney, the chariot needs to swing very low for you.
161. Swing Swing - All American Rejects. Should be played at least once at every baseball game.
162. Take it Off - The Donnas. Even better on "Guitar Hero."
163. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. Great PSP promo song. Shouldn'ta dropped it.
164. Creep - STP. Take time with a wounded hand. Don't know what it means. Don't care.
165. Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam. Another one non hit no wonder.
166. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus. For the longest time I thought it was sung by a chick.
167. Tonight and the Rest of My Life - Nina Gordon. Some jewelry commercial sold me on it. Argh.
168. The Passenger - Iggy Pop. "Waking Life" trailer, baby. "You're a dreamer? Don't see too many of you around lately."
169. Then the Morning Comes - Smash Mouth. Fell in love hard to this one.
170. Think Twice - Eve 6. Overprotective much?
171. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield. Liked it more before I listened to it 10,000 times. Good song about the creative process.
172. This is the Day - Ivy. "Mary" strikes again.
173. Time and Time Again - Chronic Future. CF makes up for the annoying "Scottsdale Brat."
174. What I Am - Edie Brickell. Not as deep as you think, Edie. But deep enough.
175. Tropicalia - Beck. The theme song for overpriced cruises.
176. Underground - Ben Folds Five. High school losers unite.
177. Unpretty - TLC. Their only good song.
178. Video Killed the Radio Star - Presidents. Punk remake bested the original.
179. Waltz for a Night - Julie Delpy. "Before Sunset" is one of the greatest movies.
180. What I Didn't Know - Anthaneum. My apartment neighbor played with my heart.
181. What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani. Reminds you to get your ass in gear with creative projects before you're too old.
182. Yeah Whatever - Splendor. An anti love song.
183. When I Grow Up - Garbage. I like it more through the eyes of my son.
184. You Get What You Give - New Radicals. Way overplayed, but it's a part of me.
185. Your Woman - White Town. A little too freaky, but steals its beat from the "Star Wars" theme.
186. Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. That other good Christian song.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Coining a new term: Toison.
You read it here first: From now on, all recalled Chinese death toys will be known as Toison (also spellable as "Toyson." That is all.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Time keeps on slippin'
The older you get, the faster everything speeds up. The effect is good in a way, because it makes the "This is Our Country" commercials and Arizona Cardinals losses speed by faster, but on the other hand it also makes the things you want to spend a little more time with - like your 20s - vanish all too quickly. I feel like I'm on that amusement park ride that goes in circles faster and faster until I'm pinned up against the side and the bottom drops out and I bite a gash out of the inside of my cheek.
As time continues to speed up and death draws closer, I become more and more convinced that TV sports and video games are a waste of time, and that by spending time staring at a TV in anger over an ultimately meaningless game people a thousand miles away from me are playing, or zoning out with a guitar-shaped controller in my hand, failing for the 30th time in one hour to get pass one song I'll never have a chance of conquering, I'm squandering what little time I've been given. And yet as I age I'm even more drawn to piddling distractions, as if they're safety blankets I grasp and cower under in order to shelter my senses from the inevitable.
And yet none of this is tragedy. Mortality is simply a plot device that adds a little sense of urgency to what would otherwise be an inconsequential, unending existence. Besides, living forever in a world that allows John Mellencamp songs to be played ad nauseum in Chevy commercials wouldn't be worth it. Those Spaniards who looked for the Fountain of Youth were dumbasses. And so was Darren Aronofsky for making that horrible, unintelligible film "The Fountain." You know who I respect, though? Those intrepid souls who cheer for winning NFL teams and are able to pass "Guitar Hero III."
As time continues to speed up and death draws closer, I become more and more convinced that TV sports and video games are a waste of time, and that by spending time staring at a TV in anger over an ultimately meaningless game people a thousand miles away from me are playing, or zoning out with a guitar-shaped controller in my hand, failing for the 30th time in one hour to get pass one song I'll never have a chance of conquering, I'm squandering what little time I've been given. And yet as I age I'm even more drawn to piddling distractions, as if they're safety blankets I grasp and cower under in order to shelter my senses from the inevitable.
And yet none of this is tragedy. Mortality is simply a plot device that adds a little sense of urgency to what would otherwise be an inconsequential, unending existence. Besides, living forever in a world that allows John Mellencamp songs to be played ad nauseum in Chevy commercials wouldn't be worth it. Those Spaniards who looked for the Fountain of Youth were dumbasses. And so was Darren Aronofsky for making that horrible, unintelligible film "The Fountain." You know who I respect, though? Those intrepid souls who cheer for winning NFL teams and are able to pass "Guitar Hero III."
Monday, October 22, 2007
Failure future
I'm disappointed that it's 2007 and we're no closer to the future than we were in 1997 or 1987. And by "future," I'm referring, of course, to "Back to the Future Part II," with its vision that I'm skeptical will actually ever come to exist. The world's scientists and engineers have failed us. Forget flying cars. We're only 8 years away, and we don't even have any hoverboards yet. No moving trash cans, either. The only thing we'll actually have is the sports almanac, but we'll lack the time-traveling De Loreans to make them useful. The best we can do in terms of futuristic travel are the Prius and Segway? Come on.
While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.
While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
How do I continue to function?
When the Arizona Cardinals peck my bleeding heart out every single week? Why, Neil Rackers, must you execute such a perfect onside kick to make me think the Cardinals have a shot at winning just after I'd given up hope, only to shank a 55-yard field goal 20 seconds later? Why, Kurt Warner, must you follow up a spectacular come-from-behind touchdown pass with a touchdown pass to a defensive back from the other team? At least I know you won't crush me next week, because you'll be on a bye.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Words to live by
Misfortune favors the bold.
If at first you don't succeed, sue.
"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.
When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.
Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.
No rest for the wicked.
Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.
All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.
Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.
An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.
Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.
Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.
You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.
The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.
Music tames the savage priest.
All kids' toys from China are poison.
If at first you don't succeed, sue.
"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.
When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.
Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.
No rest for the wicked.
Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.
All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.
Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.
An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.
Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.
Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.
You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.
The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.
Music tames the savage priest.
All kids' toys from China are poison.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
No More Interviews
Thanks for sticking around throughout my fake interview phase, which seemed to last forever. I promise it's over now. On to bigger and better things, such as... more fake interviews! Just kidding. No more of those, really. I can totally stop myself from doing them. Watch:
Non-interview: Shrek.
PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.
S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.
PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.
S: I'm gonna take off then.
PV: Be safe.
See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.
Non-interview: Shrek.
PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.
S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.
PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.
S: I'm gonna take off then.
PV: Be safe.
See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Interview: Heathcliff
PV: It's an honor, Heathcliff.
H: The pleasure's all mine.
PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?
H: Sure, anything.
PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.
H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?
PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.
H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.
PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.
H: What the hell did you just call me?
PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.
H: You people?
PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.
H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.
PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.
H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.
PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.
H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.
PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?
H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.
PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.
H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.
PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.
H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.
PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.
H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.
H: The pleasure's all mine.
PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?
H: Sure, anything.
PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.
H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?
PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.
H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.
PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.
H: What the hell did you just call me?
PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.
H: You people?
PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.
H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.
PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.
H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.
PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.
H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.
PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?
H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.
PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.
H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.
PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.
H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.
PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.
H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Interview: Link
PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.
L: You're a great American.
PV: Whoah. Dude.
L: Whassup, bra?
PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."
L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?
PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...
L: Excuuuuuse me!
PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.
L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?
PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.
L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.
PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.
L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.
PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.
L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.
PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.
L: You are!
PV: What?
L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.
PV: At least I've had sex.
L: Your mother!
PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.
L: You're a great American.
PV: Whoah. Dude.
L: Whassup, bra?
PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."
L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?
PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...
L: Excuuuuuse me!
PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.
L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?
PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.
L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.
PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.
L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.
PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.
L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.
PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.
L: You are!
PV: What?
L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.
PV: At least I've had sex.
L: Your mother!
PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Interview: Punky Brewster
PV: Hi, Punky. You don't seem anything like I expected you to be.
PB: What do you mean?
PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...
PB: Animated?
PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.
PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.
PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"
PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!
PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?
PB: There ya go. Punky Power!
PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.
PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.
PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.
PB: You betcha!
PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.
PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!
PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.
PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!
PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?
PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.
PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?
PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.
PV: You do that.
PB: What do you mean?
PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...
PB: Animated?
PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.
PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.
PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"
PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!
PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?
PB: There ya go. Punky Power!
PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.
PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.
PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.
PB: You betcha!
PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.
PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!
PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.
PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!
PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?
PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.
PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?
PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.
PV: You do that.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Interview: Rainbow Brite
PV: Talk to me, Miss Brite.
RB: I'd rather not. I'm feeling sort of gloomy. And drop the Miss Brite stuff. Call me Rainbow.
PV: Gloomy? Really? But you're known as the happiest person in the world! Always so positive and upbeat. You wear nothing but colorful clothing and always offer words of encouragement to friends even under the toughest of circumstances! You work for Hallmark, for gosh sakes!!!
RB: You know, this had to come out at some point. It's all overcompensation. The true Rainbow Brite is miserable, and uses her sunny disposition to mask the swirling torrent of despair she calls her life. The real Rainbow Brite cries herself to sleep every night and struggles every day to get out of bed and face another day of her miserable, regret-panged existence.
PV: Huh. I never woulda thought that.
RB: That Rainbow Brite wasn't a happy person?
PV: No, I always suspected as much. It's just shocking that you're one of those people who refers to themselves in the third person. What are you, Terrell Owens?
RB: Sorry, force of habit. I can easily shift back to first person if it makes you more comfortable.
PV: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm surprising how accommodating you are, Rainbow.
RB: My entire life is accommodation. My self esteem is so low that I do everything I can to please others. I can't make my own decisions, and I despise myself for it. I'm nothing more than a sellout shill; a dopey face of forced cheer meant to inspire hordes of impressionable young girls.
PV: Oh, Rainbow. That's not true.
RB: It's not? You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from someone. Are you telling me that I'm wrong to be so despondent, and that there's some truth to the soulless work I've submitted to?
PV: Nah, all I meant was you don't have an impact on young girls. Your show was canceled in 1985, so few people have ever heard of you and even fewer remember you.
RB: Oh. Excuse me. I need to go now.
PV: Why?
RB: I'm going to go huff paint now. It's the only thing that makes me feel good.
PV: Have fun with that.
RB: I'd rather not. I'm feeling sort of gloomy. And drop the Miss Brite stuff. Call me Rainbow.
PV: Gloomy? Really? But you're known as the happiest person in the world! Always so positive and upbeat. You wear nothing but colorful clothing and always offer words of encouragement to friends even under the toughest of circumstances! You work for Hallmark, for gosh sakes!!!
RB: You know, this had to come out at some point. It's all overcompensation. The true Rainbow Brite is miserable, and uses her sunny disposition to mask the swirling torrent of despair she calls her life. The real Rainbow Brite cries herself to sleep every night and struggles every day to get out of bed and face another day of her miserable, regret-panged existence.
PV: Huh. I never woulda thought that.
RB: That Rainbow Brite wasn't a happy person?
PV: No, I always suspected as much. It's just shocking that you're one of those people who refers to themselves in the third person. What are you, Terrell Owens?
RB: Sorry, force of habit. I can easily shift back to first person if it makes you more comfortable.
PV: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm surprising how accommodating you are, Rainbow.
RB: My entire life is accommodation. My self esteem is so low that I do everything I can to please others. I can't make my own decisions, and I despise myself for it. I'm nothing more than a sellout shill; a dopey face of forced cheer meant to inspire hordes of impressionable young girls.
PV: Oh, Rainbow. That's not true.
RB: It's not? You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from someone. Are you telling me that I'm wrong to be so despondent, and that there's some truth to the soulless work I've submitted to?
PV: Nah, all I meant was you don't have an impact on young girls. Your show was canceled in 1985, so few people have ever heard of you and even fewer remember you.
RB: Oh. Excuse me. I need to go now.
PV: Why?
RB: I'm going to go huff paint now. It's the only thing that makes me feel good.
PV: Have fun with that.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Interview: The Leprechaun
PV: Please don't kill me. I don't have your gold - I swear.
L: Your claim is a lie, timid little guy. Kill you I shall. We'll have a ball!
PV: Dude, that poetry was awful. Your syllable count is off and you tried to rhyme "shall" with "ball."
L: Criticize you may, my little friend Jay. But rhyme nor reason will prevent the ending of your season?
PV: Ugh. That was even worse than your last one. What the hell is wrong with you, Lep? Have seven horror films sapped your ability to put a couple threatening limerick versus together?
L: It's tough, man. Someone stole me gold, and I miss it. Ye ever hear that old line "Your treasure is where your heart is?" Well, me treasure is me gold. And thus my heart.
PV: I feel for you. But don't get all depressed on me. Remember back in Leprechaun 5: In Space, when you were blown up into a giant version of yourself and apparently killed?
L: Yeah, I totally remember that. What's your point?
PV: You totally came back in the next film, Leprechaun in the Hood, without any problem whatsoever! And when you were killed in that, you were back once again for Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood! My point is, you're one resilient mofo.
L: I have me days. But now I'm sad and lonely because they're no longer be making me direct-to-DVD sequels.
PV: Well, that's OK. You can always sell your cereal!
L: Um. That be not me. That's another leprechaun, a frilly nancy by the name of O'Doyle. There's been a row 'tween our families for eons.
PV: Oh, sorry. You people all sort of look alike to me.
L: That be a racist comment. Makes me want to vomit.
PV: Oh haaail no. You rhymed "comment" and "vomit!" You disappoint me, Leprechaun. Your silly rhymes are usually my favorite parts of your idiotic flicks. I expect more from the man who once said "Drink if you like, drink if you're able. When you drink with the Leprechaun, you'll be under the table."
L: Aye, 'twas me better days. The 1990s. All was possible. The entire world was in front of me. Now look at me.
P: 'Twas me better days too, my brotha.
L: Your claim is a lie, timid little guy. Kill you I shall. We'll have a ball!
PV: Dude, that poetry was awful. Your syllable count is off and you tried to rhyme "shall" with "ball."
L: Criticize you may, my little friend Jay. But rhyme nor reason will prevent the ending of your season?
PV: Ugh. That was even worse than your last one. What the hell is wrong with you, Lep? Have seven horror films sapped your ability to put a couple threatening limerick versus together?
L: It's tough, man. Someone stole me gold, and I miss it. Ye ever hear that old line "Your treasure is where your heart is?" Well, me treasure is me gold. And thus my heart.
PV: I feel for you. But don't get all depressed on me. Remember back in Leprechaun 5: In Space, when you were blown up into a giant version of yourself and apparently killed?
L: Yeah, I totally remember that. What's your point?
PV: You totally came back in the next film, Leprechaun in the Hood, without any problem whatsoever! And when you were killed in that, you were back once again for Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood! My point is, you're one resilient mofo.
L: I have me days. But now I'm sad and lonely because they're no longer be making me direct-to-DVD sequels.
PV: Well, that's OK. You can always sell your cereal!
L: Um. That be not me. That's another leprechaun, a frilly nancy by the name of O'Doyle. There's been a row 'tween our families for eons.
PV: Oh, sorry. You people all sort of look alike to me.
L: That be a racist comment. Makes me want to vomit.
PV: Oh haaail no. You rhymed "comment" and "vomit!" You disappoint me, Leprechaun. Your silly rhymes are usually my favorite parts of your idiotic flicks. I expect more from the man who once said "Drink if you like, drink if you're able. When you drink with the Leprechaun, you'll be under the table."
L: Aye, 'twas me better days. The 1990s. All was possible. The entire world was in front of me. Now look at me.
P: 'Twas me better days too, my brotha.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Interview: Strawberry Shortcake
PV: Whoah, is that you under there, Strawberry?
SS: (Puts down trough of chili fries). Yeah. Sorry I was late. I hade, uh, errands.
PV: You mean like eating? It sure looks like you've put on some weight.
SS: Hey, shut up. I've always been a big-boned girl with curves.
PV: It's only fat people who talk about big bones and curves. Those are just cop-outs. Besides, I seem to remember you being rather thin.
SS: By always I meant the past five years, when I stopped playing into society's vision of what a woman should look like. After years of playing the game, I just decided that I don't need to please everyone all the time. Now everything I do is geared to bring joy into the life of the one person who matters most.
PV: The CEO of Little Debbie?
SS: No, dummy. Me. Scoff all you want, I'm going to eat until my big, joyful heart is content.
PV: Don't get me wrong, Strawberry Shortcake. I'm not trying to bash you. I see how it would be very tough to avoid succumbing to obesity when you come from such a food-centric background. Take a look at the sort of people you hang out with. Your friends don't exactly make it easy for a girl to keep a trim figure.
SS: (Sniff). What are you talking about? I have nobody.
PV: Are you kidding me? You have so many friends! I remember back from when, uh, my sisters watched your show. Yeah, it totally was my sisters who watched and not me. There was Blueberry Muffin and her pet Cheesecake the Mouse, Lemon Meringue, Huckleberry Pie and Butter Cookie. You all banded together to contend with the evil The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak and his cleverly named sidekicks Sour Grapes and Raisin Cane.
SS: I ate them all. I'm such a monster.
PV: That is pretty gross. I think that makes you a cannibal. Did they taste good at least?
SS: Divine. It was like the buffet at the Mirage. No, the Aladdin. Only I didn't have to pay.
PV: And let me guess, because of the ensuing guilt and loneliness that came from devouring all the other characters, you plunged into a spiral of compulsive eating! You eat because you're unhappy...
SS: (Sighs). And I'm unhappy because I eat. Thanks for that.
PV: Not at all. I'm just looking out for your health.
SS: Only shallow louts like you say you're looking out for the "health" of others when you chastise them for their weight. It's just a cop-out.
PV: That hurt, Strawberry, but I admit I deserved it. Let's you and I make a deal, OK? You try to watch your weight, and I'll make an effort to stop judging people based solely on their appearance.
SS: Deal. (Rips open a carton of bonbons and stuffs them into her face five at a time).
PV: Dude! You're totally breaking our deal!
SS: And you're breaking your end of it by being disgusted of how fat and piggish I am.
PV: You always were a wise one, Strawberry Shortcake.
SS: (Puts down trough of chili fries). Yeah. Sorry I was late. I hade, uh, errands.
PV: You mean like eating? It sure looks like you've put on some weight.
SS: Hey, shut up. I've always been a big-boned girl with curves.
PV: It's only fat people who talk about big bones and curves. Those are just cop-outs. Besides, I seem to remember you being rather thin.
SS: By always I meant the past five years, when I stopped playing into society's vision of what a woman should look like. After years of playing the game, I just decided that I don't need to please everyone all the time. Now everything I do is geared to bring joy into the life of the one person who matters most.
PV: The CEO of Little Debbie?
SS: No, dummy. Me. Scoff all you want, I'm going to eat until my big, joyful heart is content.
PV: Don't get me wrong, Strawberry Shortcake. I'm not trying to bash you. I see how it would be very tough to avoid succumbing to obesity when you come from such a food-centric background. Take a look at the sort of people you hang out with. Your friends don't exactly make it easy for a girl to keep a trim figure.
SS: (Sniff). What are you talking about? I have nobody.
PV: Are you kidding me? You have so many friends! I remember back from when, uh, my sisters watched your show. Yeah, it totally was my sisters who watched and not me. There was Blueberry Muffin and her pet Cheesecake the Mouse, Lemon Meringue, Huckleberry Pie and Butter Cookie. You all banded together to contend with the evil The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak and his cleverly named sidekicks Sour Grapes and Raisin Cane.
SS: I ate them all. I'm such a monster.
PV: That is pretty gross. I think that makes you a cannibal. Did they taste good at least?
SS: Divine. It was like the buffet at the Mirage. No, the Aladdin. Only I didn't have to pay.
PV: And let me guess, because of the ensuing guilt and loneliness that came from devouring all the other characters, you plunged into a spiral of compulsive eating! You eat because you're unhappy...
SS: (Sighs). And I'm unhappy because I eat. Thanks for that.
PV: Not at all. I'm just looking out for your health.
SS: Only shallow louts like you say you're looking out for the "health" of others when you chastise them for their weight. It's just a cop-out.
PV: That hurt, Strawberry, but I admit I deserved it. Let's you and I make a deal, OK? You try to watch your weight, and I'll make an effort to stop judging people based solely on their appearance.
SS: Deal. (Rips open a carton of bonbons and stuffs them into her face five at a time).
PV: Dude! You're totally breaking our deal!
SS: And you're breaking your end of it by being disgusted of how fat and piggish I am.
PV: You always were a wise one, Strawberry Shortcake.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Interview: Vicki the Robot
PV: "Small Wonder" was one of my favorite shows growing up. That and the one whose name I can't remember, about the little girl who stopped time by putting her fingers together.
VTR: Indeed, Phil. Your compliment activated the synthetic neurotrons programmed to scan for adulation. I must add that my memory receptors also do not record the name of the show about the girl who stopped time.
PV: That surprises me that you've lost your memory, Vicki, being a robot and all.
VTR: I blame it on Windows Vista. It screws with everything.
PV: Ain't that the truth. Oh, I just remembered the name of the show! "Out of This World."
VTR: Thank you. Allow me to write the information to my hard disk. OK. Proceed with the questioning.
PV: Why are you talking so... robotic? In "Small Wonder," you seemed to become less androidlike and more human as you went. Have you regressed?
VTR: Again, the culprit is Windows Vista.
PV: I see. Windows Vista is indeed crappy. But come on, Vicki, take some personal responsibility!
VTR: Silence, human, or I will grab you by the throat and lift you off the ground until you repent.
PV: You mean like you did to that schoolyard drug dealer on that one episode? I'd be honored. That was pretty hot.
VTR: Your adjective "hot" does not compute.
PV: I meant it was attractive. I have to say, other than Punky Brewster's friend Margaux, you were the TV girl I wanted to nail the most of all back when I was 8.
VTR: Thank you.
PV: You're welcome. My research has indicated I wasn't alone in my crush. There was a mid-1980s phenomenon in which you appeared in viewers' dreams. There was even a book written about your character!
VTR: This information activates my creepotron indicators, given that 8-year-olds do not write books, so logically the author must have been well into maturation and still fixated on a young girl playing a humanoid robot.
PV: Yeah, it is pretty disgusting. Say, Vicki, since you're a robot, are you like, impossible to beat at chess and tic-tac-toe?
VTR: Defeat is not in my memory bank.
PV: Well, neither was "Out of This World."
VTR: Yes it was. I was only simulating an ignorance level similar to your own in order to make you feel more comfortable. The directive came from a program installed in me meant to build a rapport during interviews.
PV: Vicki the Robot, you so crazy.
VTR: Indeed, Phil. Your compliment activated the synthetic neurotrons programmed to scan for adulation. I must add that my memory receptors also do not record the name of the show about the girl who stopped time.
PV: That surprises me that you've lost your memory, Vicki, being a robot and all.
VTR: I blame it on Windows Vista. It screws with everything.
PV: Ain't that the truth. Oh, I just remembered the name of the show! "Out of This World."
VTR: Thank you. Allow me to write the information to my hard disk. OK. Proceed with the questioning.
PV: Why are you talking so... robotic? In "Small Wonder," you seemed to become less androidlike and more human as you went. Have you regressed?
VTR: Again, the culprit is Windows Vista.
PV: I see. Windows Vista is indeed crappy. But come on, Vicki, take some personal responsibility!
VTR: Silence, human, or I will grab you by the throat and lift you off the ground until you repent.
PV: You mean like you did to that schoolyard drug dealer on that one episode? I'd be honored. That was pretty hot.
VTR: Your adjective "hot" does not compute.
PV: I meant it was attractive. I have to say, other than Punky Brewster's friend Margaux, you were the TV girl I wanted to nail the most of all back when I was 8.
VTR: Thank you.
PV: You're welcome. My research has indicated I wasn't alone in my crush. There was a mid-1980s phenomenon in which you appeared in viewers' dreams. There was even a book written about your character!
VTR: This information activates my creepotron indicators, given that 8-year-olds do not write books, so logically the author must have been well into maturation and still fixated on a young girl playing a humanoid robot.
PV: Yeah, it is pretty disgusting. Say, Vicki, since you're a robot, are you like, impossible to beat at chess and tic-tac-toe?
VTR: Defeat is not in my memory bank.
PV: Well, neither was "Out of This World."
VTR: Yes it was. I was only simulating an ignorance level similar to your own in order to make you feel more comfortable. The directive came from a program installed in me meant to build a rapport during interviews.
PV: Vicki the Robot, you so crazy.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Interview: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
PV: Sonny, what is it exactly that makes you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
S: I'm glad you asked me, Phil, and let me say that is a great question that I don't get very often. The draw for me has always been the unique blend of chocolate flavoring coating the spheres of delightful crunch that make up the infrastructure of the cereal I've been so cuckoo to represent for nearly half a century.
PV: I thought you were gonna say the chocolate milk that's left over once you're done eating the puffs.
S: Ah, but the chocolate aftermilk, while tasty enough to make me go cuckoo, is only an added bonus. Far from the prime mover, I'm sure you'd agree.
PV: Whatever. So what makes Cocoa Puffs any better than, say, Coco-Roos?
S: I resent the comparison. Cocoa Puffs are worth going cuckoo for. Would you go cuckoo just to save a few cents on a Malt-o-meal knockoff of an inferior product? I think not.
PV: But it's pretty much the same cereal, right?
S: You're cuckoo for even suggesting such an oversimplified misrepresentation of the greatest cereal ever known to man! Take it back or I will end this interview immediately.
PV: OK, I'm sorry.
S: Apology accepted.
PV: I'm not really sorry. I just said that so you wouldn't walk out on the interview.
S: Since I see you're too cuckoo to grasp this concept on your own, let me spell it out to you. Cocoa Puffs are the original. The Babe Ruth of chocolate crunchball cereals, if you will. Coco Roos, on the other hand, are little more than cocky, Johnny-come-lately imitators. More like Barry Bonds.
PV: But Barry Bonds is better than Babe Ruth. He's hit tons more home runs.
S: Yes, but Barry Bonds uses steroids! And don't try to tell me that he's clean just because he's never tested positive. Such tests can be easily manipulated.
PV: Yeah, but everybody else in baseball uses steroids also, so it's a level playing field. And besides, Babe Ruth didn't have to face nearly as difficult competition as Bonds because black people weren't allowed to play back in the day.
S: Damn, I've never thought of it that way. I'm feeling a little bit cuckoo. Maybe I should rethink other truths I've long held to be self evident.
PV: Maybe that all chocolate cereals are created equal?
S: Perhaps, Phil. Perhaps.
S: I'm glad you asked me, Phil, and let me say that is a great question that I don't get very often. The draw for me has always been the unique blend of chocolate flavoring coating the spheres of delightful crunch that make up the infrastructure of the cereal I've been so cuckoo to represent for nearly half a century.
PV: I thought you were gonna say the chocolate milk that's left over once you're done eating the puffs.
S: Ah, but the chocolate aftermilk, while tasty enough to make me go cuckoo, is only an added bonus. Far from the prime mover, I'm sure you'd agree.
PV: Whatever. So what makes Cocoa Puffs any better than, say, Coco-Roos?
S: I resent the comparison. Cocoa Puffs are worth going cuckoo for. Would you go cuckoo just to save a few cents on a Malt-o-meal knockoff of an inferior product? I think not.
PV: But it's pretty much the same cereal, right?
S: You're cuckoo for even suggesting such an oversimplified misrepresentation of the greatest cereal ever known to man! Take it back or I will end this interview immediately.
PV: OK, I'm sorry.
S: Apology accepted.
PV: I'm not really sorry. I just said that so you wouldn't walk out on the interview.
S: Since I see you're too cuckoo to grasp this concept on your own, let me spell it out to you. Cocoa Puffs are the original. The Babe Ruth of chocolate crunchball cereals, if you will. Coco Roos, on the other hand, are little more than cocky, Johnny-come-lately imitators. More like Barry Bonds.
PV: But Barry Bonds is better than Babe Ruth. He's hit tons more home runs.
S: Yes, but Barry Bonds uses steroids! And don't try to tell me that he's clean just because he's never tested positive. Such tests can be easily manipulated.
PV: Yeah, but everybody else in baseball uses steroids also, so it's a level playing field. And besides, Babe Ruth didn't have to face nearly as difficult competition as Bonds because black people weren't allowed to play back in the day.
S: Damn, I've never thought of it that way. I'm feeling a little bit cuckoo. Maybe I should rethink other truths I've long held to be self evident.
PV: Maybe that all chocolate cereals are created equal?
S: Perhaps, Phil. Perhaps.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Interview: Sonic the Hedgehog
PV: Hey there, Sonic.
S: What's the haps, yo? You down?
PV: Sonic, you don't have to try to be hip or edgy. Just talk normally please.
S: Sorry, force of habit. When you're the face of an organization you've got a lot of pressure on you to relate to the kids of today.
PV: True, but Sega's last console was the Dreamcast in 2000, so the pressure must be sort of lessened, yes?
S: Well, um, yeah. But I'm still the face of Sega, and Sega still makes games. Lots of 'em. Lots of Sonic games.
PV: Lots of horrid Sonic games.
S: You're maybe confusing me with my evil doppeldanger, Shadow. There are plenty of bad Shadow games, but no bad Sonic games.
PV: Let's see here: Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Rush, Sonic Spinball, Sonic Chaos...
S: OK, OK, I get the point. Even superstars like me slip up every now and then. I've had a lot of great games, too.
PV: Like what?
S: OK, OK, all my games suck. I'll admit it. But they sell well.
PV: True enough.
S: And I move really, really fast.
PV: That's the thing. You really don't move so fast.
S: I'm the fastest video game character ever created.
PV: Granted, you are capable of moving at high speeds, but it's rare that your games let you reach your full potential. Most of the time you're just hopping around like an idiot.
S: That's only because that's how you choose to control me.
PV: Well if I make you run fast, you'll die.
S: How is that my problem? I said I was fast, not sturdy.
PV: True, true, to borrow a phrase from my idol, Merry Miller. So Sonic, what is it exactly that makes you so fast?
S: That's easy - blast processing.
PV: Oh, come on, Sonic. The phrase "Blast processing" is just a meaningless gimmick dreamed up by the Sega marketing department in the mid 1990s to tout the Genesis. What's the real reason?
S: I don't think I should say.
PV: Is it, by chance, anabolic steroids?
S (breaking down into tears): It wasn't me who decided to dope up! I was always clean, I swear it to you. It was my coach and my training partner Ben.
PV: Hold up - you mean to tell me that you trained with 1988 Canadian 100 meter sprint gold medalist Ben Johnson?
S: I could beat him 9 times out of 10, too. Too bad the world of 1988 was too racist to allow computer animated hedgehogs into international competition.
PV: Too bad, man. I bet you woulda smoked Johnson for the gold.
S: You know I would have.
PV: But you would have had your medal taken away once the blood test came in.
S: True, true.
S: What's the haps, yo? You down?
PV: Sonic, you don't have to try to be hip or edgy. Just talk normally please.
S: Sorry, force of habit. When you're the face of an organization you've got a lot of pressure on you to relate to the kids of today.
PV: True, but Sega's last console was the Dreamcast in 2000, so the pressure must be sort of lessened, yes?
S: Well, um, yeah. But I'm still the face of Sega, and Sega still makes games. Lots of 'em. Lots of Sonic games.
PV: Lots of horrid Sonic games.
S: You're maybe confusing me with my evil doppeldanger, Shadow. There are plenty of bad Shadow games, but no bad Sonic games.
PV: Let's see here: Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Rush, Sonic Spinball, Sonic Chaos...
S: OK, OK, I get the point. Even superstars like me slip up every now and then. I've had a lot of great games, too.
PV: Like what?
S: OK, OK, all my games suck. I'll admit it. But they sell well.
PV: True enough.
S: And I move really, really fast.
PV: That's the thing. You really don't move so fast.
S: I'm the fastest video game character ever created.
PV: Granted, you are capable of moving at high speeds, but it's rare that your games let you reach your full potential. Most of the time you're just hopping around like an idiot.
S: That's only because that's how you choose to control me.
PV: Well if I make you run fast, you'll die.
S: How is that my problem? I said I was fast, not sturdy.
PV: True, true, to borrow a phrase from my idol, Merry Miller. So Sonic, what is it exactly that makes you so fast?
S: That's easy - blast processing.
PV: Oh, come on, Sonic. The phrase "Blast processing" is just a meaningless gimmick dreamed up by the Sega marketing department in the mid 1990s to tout the Genesis. What's the real reason?
S: I don't think I should say.
PV: Is it, by chance, anabolic steroids?
S (breaking down into tears): It wasn't me who decided to dope up! I was always clean, I swear it to you. It was my coach and my training partner Ben.
PV: Hold up - you mean to tell me that you trained with 1988 Canadian 100 meter sprint gold medalist Ben Johnson?
S: I could beat him 9 times out of 10, too. Too bad the world of 1988 was too racist to allow computer animated hedgehogs into international competition.
PV: Too bad, man. I bet you woulda smoked Johnson for the gold.
S: You know I would have.
PV: But you would have had your medal taken away once the blood test came in.
S: True, true.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Interview: Joe Camel
PV: I can't quite put my finger on it, Joe, but there's something compelling about you.
JC: It must be that I'm a cartoon meant to appeal to the immature and easily suggestion-prone!
PV: You know, that's it! Boy, do I wish I were smoking that special blend of Turkish and Virginia tobacco.
JC: You know what they say: To err is human. To smoke Camel cigarettes, divine.
PV: Who says that?
JC: The Camel P.R. people.
PV: And I can dig it.
JC: You know, people give me a bad rap for trying to get kids to buy my product, but what the hell? We all gotta die someday, right?
PV: Yeah, and old age is overrated anyway. Who wants to live to be 80 if you're some uncool stick in the mud who never got to light up? And you have to worry about having enough money for retirement and all. Yuk. Throat cancer totally does you a favor.
JC: And what a pathetic life it is, that of a nonsmoker. I can't imagine what it must be like to go all your years without the smooth, full taste of filtered Camel enjoyment.
PV: I heard that.
JC: The media lefties also get on us for exploiting China. What's the problem with that? There are too many people in China anyway.
PV: Yeah, their government even admits as much, with that law forcing people to have no more than one kid.
JC: Tobacco manufacturers deserve credit from the Chinese government for doing what they can to help keep the population down.
PV: And now they're passing all these laws. First they banned smoking in airplanes, but now they're not even letting people light up in restaurants and bars. They won't even let you advertise on TV or in kiddie magazines!
JC: I see it as a violation of our constitutional rights. But rest assured, our lobbyists are constantly lining the pockets of legislators insuring that harsher measures aren't passed. We wouldn't want anything crazy to happen, like outlawing cigarette vending machines or setting up harsh penalties for kids who use fake IDs to buy our product.
PV: Joe, I have to tell you, I've never smoked, I hate smoking and I think what you do is despicable. I was only pretending to be a fan in order to get you to reveal incriminating information about the way you and your entire industry operate.
JC: Uh, I, uh don't know what to say.
PV: Aw, how can I stay mad at you? You're nothing more than a cute, lovable camel! I apologize.
JC: Apology accepted. Now let's go out and smoke a pack together. It's never too late to start!
JC: It must be that I'm a cartoon meant to appeal to the immature and easily suggestion-prone!
PV: You know, that's it! Boy, do I wish I were smoking that special blend of Turkish and Virginia tobacco.
JC: You know what they say: To err is human. To smoke Camel cigarettes, divine.
PV: Who says that?
JC: The Camel P.R. people.
PV: And I can dig it.
JC: You know, people give me a bad rap for trying to get kids to buy my product, but what the hell? We all gotta die someday, right?
PV: Yeah, and old age is overrated anyway. Who wants to live to be 80 if you're some uncool stick in the mud who never got to light up? And you have to worry about having enough money for retirement and all. Yuk. Throat cancer totally does you a favor.
JC: And what a pathetic life it is, that of a nonsmoker. I can't imagine what it must be like to go all your years without the smooth, full taste of filtered Camel enjoyment.
PV: I heard that.
JC: The media lefties also get on us for exploiting China. What's the problem with that? There are too many people in China anyway.
PV: Yeah, their government even admits as much, with that law forcing people to have no more than one kid.
JC: Tobacco manufacturers deserve credit from the Chinese government for doing what they can to help keep the population down.
PV: And now they're passing all these laws. First they banned smoking in airplanes, but now they're not even letting people light up in restaurants and bars. They won't even let you advertise on TV or in kiddie magazines!
JC: I see it as a violation of our constitutional rights. But rest assured, our lobbyists are constantly lining the pockets of legislators insuring that harsher measures aren't passed. We wouldn't want anything crazy to happen, like outlawing cigarette vending machines or setting up harsh penalties for kids who use fake IDs to buy our product.
PV: Joe, I have to tell you, I've never smoked, I hate smoking and I think what you do is despicable. I was only pretending to be a fan in order to get you to reveal incriminating information about the way you and your entire industry operate.
JC: Uh, I, uh don't know what to say.
PV: Aw, how can I stay mad at you? You're nothing more than a cute, lovable camel! I apologize.
JC: Apology accepted. Now let's go out and smoke a pack together. It's never too late to start!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Interview: Kid Icarus
PV: So what's your real name, anyway? Pit or Kid Icarus.
KI: My birth certificate says Pit, but my game was called Kid Icarus and my friends call me Flyboy. Call me Kid Icarus.
PV: Does that mean we're not friends?
KI: I don't have any friends anymore. It's funny. You start out successful and everyone flocks around you, but if your game doesn't get any sequels they all forget about you. That's just how our celebrity-obsessed culture is.
PV: Sounds kind of sad. So what have you been doing with your time?
KI: I've been keeping busy. My agent got me a co-starring gig in "Captain N: The Game Master," and I've nabbed a few cameos here and there.
PV: Right, like in old-school "Tetris" when you pop out on the ledge at the end of the level and play an instrument.
KI: Yeah, that and I'm also in "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" for the Wii. That kind of thing gives me some extra scratch. Not that I really need the money. I have the ability to fly, so I can steal a lot of shit easily whenever I need it.
PV: Say it ain't so, Kid Icarus! You've turned to a life of crime?
KI: Hey, I do what I gotta do. Don't try and get all sanctimonious on me. You've stolen things too. Remember Napster?
PV: Uh, that wasn't me. It was my roommate.
KI: Sure it was. You'd better hope that holds up in court when Metallica finally gets around to suing your ass.
PV: But I was innocent! Everyone was doing it! It was before iTunes!
KI: I'm not trying to make any moral judgments on you. I'm just getting you to see things my way. You stole music because you had easy access. My wings give me the same thing. If you had them you'd be just as much of a criminal as I am.
PV: No I wouldn't! I'd use my powers for good. I'd hop from platform to platform and shoot arrows at Medusa's heads.
KI: Trust me, Phil. I've seen you play - or at least try to play my game. You'd die 25 times on the first level and then give up for 20 years.
PV: Hey, ct me a break. I was a little kid. I downloaded your game on the Wii and I did much better.
KI: No you didn't. You died three times and then gave up again.
PV: But I got farther... Hey! How would you know about any of that anyway?
KI: Duh. I'm the guy in the game. I know everything.
PV: No, you're just a vain stalker. You fly into peoples' houses to watch them play your game, don't you?
KI: That too.
KI: My birth certificate says Pit, but my game was called Kid Icarus and my friends call me Flyboy. Call me Kid Icarus.
PV: Does that mean we're not friends?
KI: I don't have any friends anymore. It's funny. You start out successful and everyone flocks around you, but if your game doesn't get any sequels they all forget about you. That's just how our celebrity-obsessed culture is.
PV: Sounds kind of sad. So what have you been doing with your time?
KI: I've been keeping busy. My agent got me a co-starring gig in "Captain N: The Game Master," and I've nabbed a few cameos here and there.
PV: Right, like in old-school "Tetris" when you pop out on the ledge at the end of the level and play an instrument.
KI: Yeah, that and I'm also in "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" for the Wii. That kind of thing gives me some extra scratch. Not that I really need the money. I have the ability to fly, so I can steal a lot of shit easily whenever I need it.
PV: Say it ain't so, Kid Icarus! You've turned to a life of crime?
KI: Hey, I do what I gotta do. Don't try and get all sanctimonious on me. You've stolen things too. Remember Napster?
PV: Uh, that wasn't me. It was my roommate.
KI: Sure it was. You'd better hope that holds up in court when Metallica finally gets around to suing your ass.
PV: But I was innocent! Everyone was doing it! It was before iTunes!
KI: I'm not trying to make any moral judgments on you. I'm just getting you to see things my way. You stole music because you had easy access. My wings give me the same thing. If you had them you'd be just as much of a criminal as I am.
PV: No I wouldn't! I'd use my powers for good. I'd hop from platform to platform and shoot arrows at Medusa's heads.
KI: Trust me, Phil. I've seen you play - or at least try to play my game. You'd die 25 times on the first level and then give up for 20 years.
PV: Hey, ct me a break. I was a little kid. I downloaded your game on the Wii and I did much better.
KI: No you didn't. You died three times and then gave up again.
PV: But I got farther... Hey! How would you know about any of that anyway?
KI: Duh. I'm the guy in the game. I know everything.
PV: No, you're just a vain stalker. You fly into peoples' houses to watch them play your game, don't you?
KI: That too.
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